Are You A Reactor or A Responder?

Source: Dailycaring.com

It's 8:00AM, your alarm was supposed to go off at 7:30, it never did. You put your clothes in the dryer last night but never pressed start. On your way to work someone cuts you off, almost causing an accident. When you get to work the one co-worker who always cracks jokes says something to tick you off even more. You give them the death stare and open your mouth to respond.  

Everyday life happens to us; the good, the bad, and the ugly. When I was in grad school I had an awesome supervisor (shameless plug), Jay Lappin, and he taught us the following equation: E+R=O. In this equation the E stands for an event, R stands for the Response, and the O stands for the Outcome. The Event is what happens to us. The sequence above gives examples of events. The Response is how we handle the event when it happens. The Outcome is the end result. In this equation we can't control the Event but we can control the Response which then impacts the Outcome. The question is are you a Reactor or a Responder?

A Reactor gives an immediate emotional reaction to the content of the Event. Many of use have a natural, internal reactions to the things that we experience in our lives. Both the big issues and the tiny incidents elicit an emotion, a thought, a feeling. Reactors allow the naturally occurring, internal thoughts to freely come out without a filter. Reactors don't give thought to how their words and actions will impact the Outcome, they only think about how the Event is weighing on them. A Reactor in the example above feels frustrated and annoyed and these feelings are being intensified by the co-worker. A Reactor then goes in on the co-worker; yelling, screaming, cursing, or insulting them. After the dust settles, the Reactor usually regrets their reaction. They feel guilty, sorry, embarrassed, ect. The result is an undesired Outcome; the Reactor usually has to pick up broken pieces and fix things as a result of their reaction. 

Responders, like Reactors, have internal emotional responses to their Events. Unlike Reactors, Responders don't automatically act on their internal thoughts and feelings. Instead, Responders take time to process what they are experiencing and how they are feeling. This processing could take 30 seconds, minutes, or hours. A Responder understands that their Response impacts their Outcome and they don't want an Outcome that they will regret, or that will cause them even greater problems. In the above example a Responder would take a moment to validate their feelings of frustration and impatience. They would identify the various things that have happened throughout the morning that led to these feelings. This brief assessment leads to the conclusion that although the co-worker may be annoying, they are no different than they are on any other day. And every other day the Responder laughs along with the co-worker or rolls their eyes. The Responder comes to the conclusion that the co-worker is not intentionally trying to frustrate the co-worker and therefore does not deserve to be the container for their frustration. Instead the Responder explains that they are having a bad day, walks away to be  by themselves, or takes some time and later addresses the co-workers "annoying" behaviors in an appropriate and emotionally healthy way. Giving clear thought about how to respond doesn't undo the Even but the Responder can walk away knowing that they did everything they could to create the desired Outcome.

It is not easy to be a Responder instead of a Reactor, especially if you're used to responding instantly based off of feelings. It takes time to change thoughts and slow yourself down enough so that you avoid making the immediate reaction. But, in the end it is worth it. Instead of having to go back and fix things, you know that you did your best to appropriately handle the situation. Imagine how different things would be in the world if more people would be Responders instead of Reactors.

Are you a Responder or a Reactor? Do you think that it's better to respond or react. How would things be different if more people were Responders? This is just how I see things but I'm eager to hear how you view this issue. Thanks for stopping by and be sure to share your thoughts below.

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."~ The Bible, James 1:19, English Standard Version