Know Your Worth: Where Do I Find My Identity?

Source: Theodysseyonline.com, vh1.com, womenoffaith.com

This 'Know Your Worth" series is one that is is very special to me. It's special because it is a recent journey that I have found myself on. The past few years have been somewhat of a roller-coaster for me. The person who I was for a very long time became very distant and foreign to me and I became someone I barely recognized. I behaved in ways that were not congruent with who I truly was on the inside. At the height of this time I pleaded to God asking Him how I had gotten to this point. Then answer was clear, I had lost sight of my worth. My attempts to "have worth" to "be worthy"-futile. This caused low self esteem, feelings of inadequacy, a broken woman. And at the root of this brokenness-I was had the wrong idea of who I was, I had found my identity the wrong way and in all the wrong places.

 I Used the Wrong Dictionary to Define Myself 

At one point in my life I had a clear and right way of defining who I am. Then, at some point I decided that my definition wasn't good enough. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be all the things I wasn't but looked good to me. So, I started looking to the wrong things to define who I am. I looked to media. I used to watch EVERY episode and season of the "Love and Hip Hop" franchise. I knew it was high foolery in the beginning, but as I got deep in it I started to compare myself to the women on the show. I thought less of myself because I didn't "match up" to them. And it wasn't just Love and Hip Hop. It was other tv shows, popular songs, images. I defined what it means to be a woman based on their standards. And their standards- a whole mess. I looked to those around me. Instagram and Facebook were my worst enemy. I compared myself to everyone I saw. Whether it was looks, job, finances, lifestyle or relationships. I wanted to be on top and on top meant being better than everyone else. Every time I saw an area where I didn't measure up my sense of self worth took a huge hit. I looked to my friends. And here's something interesting: just because your friends live a certain way or are going down a certain path, that doesn't mean that's what is meant for you. It also doesn't mean that you have to agree with them or subscribe to their agenda. I didn't know or realize this. I wanted to be on the track running alongside my friends when in reality we could very well be in two different races. I thought I needed to desire the things that they desired. When my friends talked about what wan't "good enough" or what they wanted out of life, if that wasn't my desire, if that wasn't where I was, then I felt that I had missed the mark. I also looked to men. My goal: to one day be married and have a family. In order for that to happen men have to find me attractive, desirable, they have to want to be with me. So I acted in ways to make this happen, even when it went against my morals, my values, and what my inner self felt was right.When this didn't happen, I took this as a sign that I wasn't good enough, that I was somehow flawed and needed to abandon the idea of who I thought I should be in favor of what I thought men wanted. 

When I defined myself by these standards I was NEVER good enough because I was holding myself to a standard that I wasn't created to attain. And if I was honest with myself, the inner me didn't want to meet these standards. But I was lost, if this wasn't the definition of me then what was? I came to the conclusion that I had to reject all of the influences telling me who I should be but I was lost and confused about where I could find the answers.

I Defined Myself By God's Standards: I Found My Identity 

One day I was watching the Breakfast Club (a very popular morning radio show) and they were interviewing gospel artist Kirk Franklin. I believe that Charlemagne was trying to trip Kirk up regarding how Christian men view women and Kirk gave an answer that struck a chord with me. He said "Think of every woman as a daughter of God, if God were in the room how would you treat her?" I don't remember the rest of the interview because this statement sent my mind racing. "I am a daughter of God!" "I'm letting people treat me however they want!" "I need to hold people to a standard!" "People need to treat me like I am a daughter of a King!" This was the point where I began to discover or should I say, rediscover, my identity. This identify is based on what God says about me as 1) His child and 2) A woman. I started reading Proverbs 31 every morning. I looked for scriptures that gave further insight on who God designed me to be. This began a transformation that is indescribable. When I held myself up to God's standard instead of the standard of the world I saw an attainable identity instead of an unattainable one. With the grace of God and through his help I can be what He says I am. Not only that but John 3:16 says the following, "For God so loved that world [This means me], that he gave his only Son [To die]" Not only can I be what God says I am but he found worth in me, even when I didn't see worth in myself. With God I am loved, I am accepted, I have true worth, value, and an IDENTITY. 

When I didn't know who I was, I struggled and that period was hard for me. In the past when I struggled I didn't reach out to others. I presented like everything was perfect when inside I was hurting. This time I found my strength in taking my problems to someone else . I urge you, that if you struggle like I did, if you feel like you don't know your worth, if you are wondering how you got to the place where you are. Talk to someone. Reach out. Get feedback. Don't depend solely on yourself but find peace in the supports around you. You are never alone.

I want to hear from you! Where do you look to find your identity? How does that impact your sense of worth? How do you know when others are finding their identity in all the wrong places. This is just my perspective on how I see the world, but I want to hear yours as well!

"You thought I was worth saving, so you came and changed my life; you thought I was worth keeping, so you cleaned me up inside; you thought I was to DIE FOR, so you sacrificed your life" Worth~Anthony Brown

Know Your Worth: I Challenge You!

Developing a healthy sense of self worth is no easy task. It's not like you go to bed one night and wake up owning your worth. A healthy sense of self worth is something that has to be worked at, cultivated, and developed. It takes work. Over time you (or others) have taught you that you are not good enough, that you are less than. This was not something that happened because of one incident or circumstance. Over time you were exposed to situations that confirmed the negative message that maintained your negative sense of self. I am going to give some suggestions of things that you can do to undo that work and change the way you view yourself. With this consistency is key. Remember, you are training your brain to think differently and therefore when there is a lapse you set yourself back and instead of building from where you left off you have to re-do work that you've already done. Also, you are changing your brain and the way you think, it won't happen over night; but, if you make an honest effort you will begin to notice change. Don't believe me just watch! I challenge you!

1. Make A List

• Right now you don't see yourself as worthy because of how you view yourself. You view yourself through your faults, your difficulties, your weaknesses (which we all have by the way). So this is what you need to do, get a piece of paper and pen and list all your positives, everything good about you. From the way you look, to your personality and your accomplishments; make a list as long as you can that brags about you. If you are having trouble making a list, talk to some people (GOOD PEOPLE) and ask them what are some positives about you. Think back on the things that people have said about you over time. Things like "You have a nice smile," "You're intelligent," "You think well on your feet," ect. Spend a good amount of time on your list. Put your list up somewhere where you can see it on a daily basis (Examples: On your refrigerator, next to your mirror, on your nightstand) and let it serve as a constant reminder that you are worth it!
• Take It A Step Further: I hope your list is nice and long. Take things a step further by choosing the top five things on your list and write them on an index card. Carry this index card with you and whenever you feel your worth depleting, whenever someone tries to rob you of your worth, whenever you stop believing the positive and start harping on the negatives; take a look at that card and remember your worth!

2. Say It

• Don't just talk about it be about it. Remember when I said we are changing the way we think, one way to speed up the process is to speak the truths we are teaching ourselves to accept. For this task you need to identify one or multiple mantras. A mantra is simply a statement that you repeat over and over. You can either look up mantras (google is your friend) or create your own, but they should speak to your worth. For example, the most obvious mantra is "I am worth it." But you can also choose specific mantras like "I am beautiful," "I deserve the best that life has to offer," "I can do this," ect., ect. You can pick one mantra or several but everyday you say this mantra at least once. It's best to do it first thing in the morning to motivate you for the rest of the day. You can say the mantra once or as many times as you want. You can say one mantra or multiple. Get creative, it's your journey. I firmly believe in this practice. I believe that words have the power and we can literally speak life or death. I believe that by speaking positivity and hope each morning you have the ability to impact the remainder of your day.

3.Know Your Bullies

• So, our first step was to identify our positives, and just as it's important to know our positives it's also important to know our negatives as well. Negatives in this sense being the messages that contribute to our low sense of self worth. This will be unique for each and every one of us; it can be related to our appearance, personality, or ability to achieve. Think about all the times you feel worthless, useless, and unsuccessful and what was happening at that time. Is there a specific person that makes you feel that way? Do you feel worthless in class or at work? In a relationship? Once you identify those specific situations or thoughts that contribute to the negative feelings now we can challenge them. As you enter into those situations, encounter those people, start reflecting on your positive messages; start reciting your mantras, pull out your Top 5 index card. In order to train your brain to think differently you have to act almost instantaneously, at least at first. Once this becomes the norm you won't need the index card, your brain will automatically jump in on its own and shut the negative messages down. But, it takes practice at first, it takes work to overcome your present way of thinking.

4.Cut It Out

•  Sometimes we send ourselves the negative messages that decrease our sense of self worth but oftentimes those messages come from other places as well. I will go into greater depth about this in another post but some examples are other people, the music we listen to, the shows we watch and the celebrities we follow. Once we identify these sources we need to get rid of them. It's hard and sometimes impossible to completely cut people out of our lives but if someone's words and actions are detrimental to our sense of self worth we need to significantly reduce the time we spend with them. Stop watching certain shows or going certain places. It's hard at first but remember, we are re-wiring out brains and overtime the sacrifices we make will be appreciated as we begin to see ourselves as worth it!

I challenge you to put these suggestions to the test. Give an honest effort for at least 6 months and see if you notice any change in yourself, the way you think and feel. I bet you won't be the only one who notices the change, I bet those around you will see it too!

"If you have a positive attitude and constantly strive to give your best effort, eventually you will overcome your immediate problems and find that you are ready for greater challenges" ~ Pat Riley

2016 Goals: Make A Vision Board

A vision board is a visual representation of your goals in a collage form. It's something you can look at every day to remind you of the things that you are working towards. It is also something that you can look back on at the end of the year and measure your progress. Or you can look back at unachieved goals and identify barriers, road blocks, or changes that left those goals unfulfilled. What I love best about vision boards is that they are unique and creative and no two look the same even if two people have similar goals. I am a creative person, I love doing artsy-type projects. The more glitter, ribbon, and flair the better! But even if you are not creative or "flashy" you can still make a vision board that reflects your goals. 

Making A Vision Board

1. Gather Your Supplies

The first things you're going to want to do is get together the things you need for your vision board. It can be as much or as little as you want. But here are some basics:

• Poster Board
• Scissors
• Magazines
• Glue/Tape
• Markers

If you want to take it up a step here are some other things you can use

• Ribbon
• Tool
• Stickers
• Glitter
• Stick on letters
• Decorative Tape
• Hot Glue Gun

And I'm sure there are even more you can think of.  

2. Identify Your Goals

You can go through your magazines and haphazardly become inspired by the pictures but I think it's better to have an idea of what direction you want to go in before you start looking. The idea can be as general or specific as you want. For example you can say "I want to be healthier" or "I want to lose 15 pounds." Once you have an idea of the goal(s) you want to display on your vision board you can move on to the next step.
3. Look for Pictures
Now that you know the direction you're going in you can start to look for pictures that represent those goals. Notice I said represent. The pictures you select don't have to literally and word for word match your goals; what is most important is the meaning that they have to you. For example, on my vision board above there is a picture of a beautiful natural haired woman that I pulled from an ad for hair products (that picture actually got cut off of the picture above-sorry). To me that picture doesn't represent me wearing my hair natural, it represents me being comfortable in who God made me to be, naturally. Every picture is subject to interpretation but it's your vision board and all that matters is that you know what each image means to you.
4. Putting It All Together
This is the fun part! Taking all of your pictures and all of your supplies and creating your masterpiece. It can be a simple or as intricate as you want it to be. You can randomly stick the pictures on or you can plan out your layout. In my vision board I broke my goals into four specific categories and grouped my pictures in those categories. FUN FACT: One of my goals was to create a blog! 
5. Display It
This may be the most important step of them all. Once your vision board is completed you want to hang it up somewhere where you can see it every day. I think the best place to hang it is in your bedroom so that when you wake up you can look at it. If you do morning devotion you may want to put it in the space where you do that or you may want to put it by your mirror so that you can look at it while you get ready to start your day. Over time the images will be burned into your brain so that even when you aren't looking at your vision board you will be reflecting on your goals.

Make it fun!!!
Have a vision board party. Invite your girlfriends over and have the supplies laying out, play some music, and get to work. Or incorporate making a vision board into your end of the year holiday family festivities. Newlyweds can make a vision board to identify goals for their new life together. Families can also create a collaborative vision board for the household. Creating vision boards is a great activity for groups of teens and can be very helpful for new businesses. There are also websites that can help you create digital vision boards. 

I am a strong believer in the power of visualization. Having something you can look at every day is a big motivator to help you achieve your goals. AND once you've looked at your board for a while you don't even have to see it to remember your goals. Case and Point: When I moved it was hard to get my vision board to stick to my walls but I had looked at it so much I didn't even need to see the actual product to know what was on it. 

Are you planning on doing a vision board for 2016? How do maintain the goals set on January 1st  throughout the year? Leave a comment and let me know and Happy New Year to everyone.

"Write the vision, and make it plain on tablets, that he who reads it may run. For the vision is yet for an appointed time; but it speaks of the end, and does not lie. If it delays, wait for it; it surely will come , it will not delay" Habakkuk 2:2-3  (MEV)   

Weight Loss...It's More Than Just The Lbs Pt 2-Emotional Weight

Sometimes our emotional, psychological, and mental issues can show up as physical symptoms. For example, stress can show up as headaches or body pain, nervousness can show up as nausea or stomach pain. In the same way our struggles with weight loss can be connected to an emotional issue that hasn't been addressed yet. In this case we need to release our emotional demons before we can expect to see any physical change.

                              Picture Source: http://robedirobrob.deviantart.com/                                         
So what do I mean by emotional demons? Some people have experienced traumatic situations in their life that they have never processed or work through. Abuse, loss, grief, hurts, these are just some examples of trauma. When we experience trauma our brain literally changes forever. Our view of the world is warped and our interactions with others are shifted. Oftentimes we can't see the shift or connect it to our traumatic experiences. For some, additional weight or overeating can be a protective measure that unconsciously prevents us from experiencing the trauma again. Before we can seriously tackle the weight we have to identify and work through experiences of trauma.
 Others deal with past and present relationship wounds that have never been healed. Some examples of relationship wounds are betrayal by a loved one, being abandoned by a parent, and consistently being let down or disappointed. When we experience hurt in a relationship but do not give ourselves the freedom to validate that hurt we can hold a grudge. Holding on to grudges can be like holding on to weight. Until we are able to forgive and release a person's hold on our lives we will never be able to release the lbs. 
Still, others of us walk around weighed down by emotional baggage. Every single day each and every one of up have a variety of experiences that can take us through a variety of emotions both good and bad. We NEED an outlet for these feelings and emotions. We need to be emotionally supported and to know that someone cares for our emotional well being. When we don't have access to such outlets we can become overwhelmed.There are too many of us who do not have a healthy and safe way to let out our feelings and emotions. As a result these feelings become a sack of burdens that become heavier and heavier as time goes on, just like we become heavier and heavier as we pack on the lbs. The defining moment could be trusting someone to help us carry the burden. This is not an easy task, I know first hand. It's almost like a work out in and of itself. But the more we practice, the more we work on it, the easier it becomes. Just like physical exercise and weight loss. But before we can work out our bodies we need to work out our emotions. 

If you read the previous post you got a decent introduction to my weight loss struggle. (If you haven't read it, take a moment to check it out!) You saw that my emotional transformation began during grad school. I believe I dealt with all of the issues listed above. It was NOT an easy process. But I can be a witness that the emotional process that occurred behind the scenes was the foundation that created the physical transformation that everyone has been able to see. 

I hope that you will stay tuned for the next part of the series which will focus on how we view ourselves and the real reason we desire to lose weight.

What do you think about "emotional weight?" Is it something you deal with? Questions, comments, concerns....drop it below or use the Q&A link.

"I don't want to be at the mercy of my own emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them" Oscar Wilde

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Weight Loss...It's More Than Just the LBS Part 1

As we enter the fall season I know some people are thinking back to resolutions made on January 1st and wondering "What Happened?" Somehow the determination and motivation that was present at the beginning of the year has been watered down to a mere memory. The truth of the matter is that weight loss is more than just a resolution, more than about fitting into a pair of jeans or a swimsuit, more than about looking good at your next reunion. What most people miss is that weight loss is not just about the physical but it is a mental and psychological struggle. Today, I want to be vulnerable and share my own weight loss journey in hopes bring clarity to something that is more than just a trivial matter.

I started gaining weight when I hit puberty. Of course I noticed first, but I just waived it off. I became more self-conscious when others started to notice and make comments about it. I remember someone pulling me off to the side and saying "I see you're putting on some weight," as if that were a good thing. As my weight rose so did my desire to do something about it. I desperately wanted to change myself. But no matter how many sit-ups I did in secret or how hard I tried not to eat; the weight stayed.
Throughout middle school and high school, it was there, and I was extremely conscious of it. I didn't want people to watch me eat, I was always concerned about how I looked in my clothes, and I was always comparing my body to others. But even worse, my self confidence was draining and I had such a poor self-image that I consciously avoided looking at myself in the mirror. 
When it was finally time for me to go off to college the weight was still there. But it was at this point that I came to terms with the fact that I was a big girl. I accepted that this is how I would be for the rest of my life and I began to search for the positives of being a "heavier girl." I started to stop avoiding looking at myself in the mirror in an attempt to force myself to accept the beauty that lie within. I still wished I could be skinny but I stopped blaming myself for who I was. When I graduated from college I came home to more of the same; the inability to lost weight, the acceptance that my size would never change and desperately trying to convince myself that it was okay even though deep down I knew that this was not who I was supposed to be.
In 2011 I began my Master's program at Drexel University.To date, that program has been the most grueling experience of my life. I cannot remember putting so much time, energy, and effort into anything else. Not only was the program academically rigorous, it was also emotionally draining. We were required to be emotionally vulnerable with strangers! I uncovered some hurts that I tried to keep buried and came face to face with truths and realities that I spent years ignoring and burying. I finished the first year of my graduate program emotionally lighter but still physically weighed down; but, releasing that emotional weight was what ultimately allowed me to lose the physical weight which resulted in what some people have called a "dramatic weight loss." As you can see in my picture I lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time, 80lbs more or less in approximately one year.

Weight loss can be one of the most difficult things to accomplish. So many people struggle for years without seeing the results they want because they fail to realize that it's more than about the lbs. This series will address some of the other areas in our lives that we need to attack before we ever lose a pound or an inch. Granted, this may not apply to everyone, but those who have been working, trying, and failing to see results should consider that what lies beneath the surface can sometimes be our greatest adversary and the hardest parts of ourselves to look at and accept are those that have the greatest impact on who we are AND how we look.

I hope you continue reading in this series....questions, comments, concerns? Leave it all below and I'll be sure to get back to you!

"It's not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves" Sir Edmund Hillary













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