Know Your Worth: Don't Be Afraid to Set Standards

Source: Unknown

I promised myself that I would stop posting memes on Instagram. I had to, I was a serial meme poster, I posted about 2-3 memes per day. And then I got sick of myself so I said I would not post another meme (I hope I'm using this word correctly, meme as in the image above). Well that was until I saw this image. I felt the message in this image spoke to a big issue I see in the relationships we have today and not only did I feel that need to repost it, I felt I had to talk about it.

First and foremost let me address the languaging in this image, from here on out can we agree to ignore the man/woman in the image? We all know that this can go either way, I don't want to blame/shame a specific gender.

Now that that's out of the way let's break down the meat of this post and how it relates to this "Know Your Worth" series. One big, gaping, hole in relationships today are standards. Merriam Webster defines the word standard as: 1) "A level of quality or achievement" and 2)  "Something that is very good and that is used to make  judgements  about other things." A standard is a desired outcome, an expectation. When you have standards in relationships, you have expectations and you are not willing to settle for anything less than what you expect. Some common standards that I see are: "No sex until marriage" or "No sex until we are in a committed relationship,"We have to go on dates," "Our anniversary is important and must be remembered," ect., ect. These standards create the guidelines by which we govern our relationships; so without the standard what are left with? A big puddle of mess!

The image highlights one standard that has been lost in today's generation: Fidelity. People are not setting standards for fidelity and commitment in their relationship. Now don't misunderstand me; there are some people whose standard for fidelity is that infidelity is acceptable. Not that I agree with this standard, but it is one. I am specifically speaking about are two things 1) People who never set the standard, and 2) People who set the standard but never communicate it to their significant other. This leaves people feeling hurt, alone, and betrayed when they experience cheating but what people fail to realize it that you have to set the standard before you can expect it to be met.

From my perspective a lot of people don't set standards in relationships because they are afraid. Some people desperately want to be in a relationship and they fear that setting a standard will eliminate their options leaving them all alone. Some people have their eye on "The One" or are already in a relationship with someone they think is "The One." These people fear that they will lose that special person because they won't be down for a relationship with boundaries and standards. Other people fear being ridiculed by their peers and so they follow the trends to fit in. In all of these situations the negative relational cycles are being perpetuated to no end. In order to stop these cycles a standard needs to be set and people need to hold each other accountable for how they behave in relationships.

People who doubt their worth struggle to set standards and boundaries in relationships with others. They feel that they are not good enough to place those kind of expectations on others. They take it personally when they lose relationships as a result of setting standards. They think the loss is a reflection of something negative inside of them. Let's end that today. Each and every person in this world has worth and they have the right to put expectations on the people who they engage with. In the same token others have the right to decline to abide by your set standards. Understand that a rejection of standards is not a reflection of the person who set them, it exposes a flaw in either the person rejecting or the relationship in itself. Maybe the relationship isn't as strong as you thought. Maybe the relationship isn't worth it to that person. Setting standards weeds out the weak people and relationships making room for strong and healthy ones. Setting standards gets rid of people who don't recognize your worth and opens the door for the ones who will see it and honor it. 

I used fidelity and cheating as an example for the sake of this post but understand that setting standards applies to so many facets of relationships. From time, to money, to communication and many others.Also, it doesn't apply simply to romantic relationships, but to any relationship you find yourself in. Setting standards creates structure, it allows you to communicate your needs and wants to the other person. It helps you hold them accountable for how they treat you and it highlights whether they are capable of being the person you deserve in the relationship.

This is just my perspective on setting standards in relationships. What do you think? Am I out of my mind or right on target? Do you set standards in your relationships? How? And how does that work for you? I want to hear from you so feel free to leave a comment below. Thank for stopping by, hope you make it back again.

"Let us be sensitive about setting high standards for life, love, creativity, and wisdom. If our expectations in these areas are low, we are not likely to experience wellness. Setting high standards makes every day and decade worth looking forward to."~ Greg Anderson

Know Your Worth: I Challenge You!

Developing a healthy sense of self worth is no easy task. It's not like you go to bed one night and wake up owning your worth. A healthy sense of self worth is something that has to be worked at, cultivated, and developed. It takes work. Over time you (or others) have taught you that you are not good enough, that you are less than. This was not something that happened because of one incident or circumstance. Over time you were exposed to situations that confirmed the negative message that maintained your negative sense of self. I am going to give some suggestions of things that you can do to undo that work and change the way you view yourself. With this consistency is key. Remember, you are training your brain to think differently and therefore when there is a lapse you set yourself back and instead of building from where you left off you have to re-do work that you've already done. Also, you are changing your brain and the way you think, it won't happen over night; but, if you make an honest effort you will begin to notice change. Don't believe me just watch! I challenge you!

1. Make A List

• Right now you don't see yourself as worthy because of how you view yourself. You view yourself through your faults, your difficulties, your weaknesses (which we all have by the way). So this is what you need to do, get a piece of paper and pen and list all your positives, everything good about you. From the way you look, to your personality and your accomplishments; make a list as long as you can that brags about you. If you are having trouble making a list, talk to some people (GOOD PEOPLE) and ask them what are some positives about you. Think back on the things that people have said about you over time. Things like "You have a nice smile," "You're intelligent," "You think well on your feet," ect. Spend a good amount of time on your list. Put your list up somewhere where you can see it on a daily basis (Examples: On your refrigerator, next to your mirror, on your nightstand) and let it serve as a constant reminder that you are worth it!
• Take It A Step Further: I hope your list is nice and long. Take things a step further by choosing the top five things on your list and write them on an index card. Carry this index card with you and whenever you feel your worth depleting, whenever someone tries to rob you of your worth, whenever you stop believing the positive and start harping on the negatives; take a look at that card and remember your worth!

2. Say It

• Don't just talk about it be about it. Remember when I said we are changing the way we think, one way to speed up the process is to speak the truths we are teaching ourselves to accept. For this task you need to identify one or multiple mantras. A mantra is simply a statement that you repeat over and over. You can either look up mantras (google is your friend) or create your own, but they should speak to your worth. For example, the most obvious mantra is "I am worth it." But you can also choose specific mantras like "I am beautiful," "I deserve the best that life has to offer," "I can do this," ect., ect. You can pick one mantra or several but everyday you say this mantra at least once. It's best to do it first thing in the morning to motivate you for the rest of the day. You can say the mantra once or as many times as you want. You can say one mantra or multiple. Get creative, it's your journey. I firmly believe in this practice. I believe that words have the power and we can literally speak life or death. I believe that by speaking positivity and hope each morning you have the ability to impact the remainder of your day.

3.Know Your Bullies

• So, our first step was to identify our positives, and just as it's important to know our positives it's also important to know our negatives as well. Negatives in this sense being the messages that contribute to our low sense of self worth. This will be unique for each and every one of us; it can be related to our appearance, personality, or ability to achieve. Think about all the times you feel worthless, useless, and unsuccessful and what was happening at that time. Is there a specific person that makes you feel that way? Do you feel worthless in class or at work? In a relationship? Once you identify those specific situations or thoughts that contribute to the negative feelings now we can challenge them. As you enter into those situations, encounter those people, start reflecting on your positive messages; start reciting your mantras, pull out your Top 5 index card. In order to train your brain to think differently you have to act almost instantaneously, at least at first. Once this becomes the norm you won't need the index card, your brain will automatically jump in on its own and shut the negative messages down. But, it takes practice at first, it takes work to overcome your present way of thinking.

4.Cut It Out

•  Sometimes we send ourselves the negative messages that decrease our sense of self worth but oftentimes those messages come from other places as well. I will go into greater depth about this in another post but some examples are other people, the music we listen to, the shows we watch and the celebrities we follow. Once we identify these sources we need to get rid of them. It's hard and sometimes impossible to completely cut people out of our lives but if someone's words and actions are detrimental to our sense of self worth we need to significantly reduce the time we spend with them. Stop watching certain shows or going certain places. It's hard at first but remember, we are re-wiring out brains and overtime the sacrifices we make will be appreciated as we begin to see ourselves as worth it!

I challenge you to put these suggestions to the test. Give an honest effort for at least 6 months and see if you notice any change in yourself, the way you think and feel. I bet you won't be the only one who notices the change, I bet those around you will see it too!

"If you have a positive attitude and constantly strive to give your best effort, eventually you will overcome your immediate problems and find that you are ready for greater challenges" ~ Pat Riley

Know Your Worth~ Getting Started

Source: Sprite.com

This popular lyric from the rapper Drake has been stuck in my head for a while. Always popping in at the most random times. Not because the beat is catchy but because I often need to remind myself to "Know My Worth," or I see people stuck in situations where the don't "Know Their Worth," OR I see some of out most praised celebrities acting in ways that clearly signal a lack of self worth. What I was going to do was have an entire series focused on "Know Your Worth," but as I type this intro I think I am having a change of heart. Instead of doing back to back posts, there will be some posts that I do that fall under the heading "Know Your Worth." I believe we live in a day and age where it is easy to lose sight of our worth. We constantly hold up a measuring stick comparing ourselves to others and when we fall short our sense of self worth drops too. The media and pop culture provides us with an image of what life is supposed to look like when in reality the average person cannot attain that lifestyle. Some of us have people in our lives who's comments and "suggestions" are more hurtful than helpful and make us feel worse about ourselves that we should. And finally, some of us are our own worst enemies. We beat ourselves down and critique ourselves to the point where we can't see the good that others see in us. Regardless of why; when we don't "Know Our Worth," we act in ways the rob the world of the chance to see the unique greatness that lies in each and every one of us. We accept WAY less than we deserve and act in ways that cause people to see us as something we are not.  I hope that every "Know Your Worth" post is encouraging, motivating, and empowering and challenges any messages that tell us we are not worth it. 


Let Me Know: What do you think are the top contributors to a lack of self worth? Got any examples? 

Coming Up Next: "Know the Signs" What behaviors indicate a low sense of self worth?

As always feel free to comment you experience, ask your questions, and share with friends. I really want to know what YOU think. Thanks for stopping by!

"Self worth comes from one thing- Thinking that you are worthy"~Wayne Dyer