Know Your Worth: Where Do I Find My Identity?

Source: Theodysseyonline.com, vh1.com, womenoffaith.com

This 'Know Your Worth" series is one that is is very special to me. It's special because it is a recent journey that I have found myself on. The past few years have been somewhat of a roller-coaster for me. The person who I was for a very long time became very distant and foreign to me and I became someone I barely recognized. I behaved in ways that were not congruent with who I truly was on the inside. At the height of this time I pleaded to God asking Him how I had gotten to this point. Then answer was clear, I had lost sight of my worth. My attempts to "have worth" to "be worthy"-futile. This caused low self esteem, feelings of inadequacy, a broken woman. And at the root of this brokenness-I was had the wrong idea of who I was, I had found my identity the wrong way and in all the wrong places.

 I Used the Wrong Dictionary to Define Myself 

At one point in my life I had a clear and right way of defining who I am. Then, at some point I decided that my definition wasn't good enough. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be all the things I wasn't but looked good to me. So, I started looking to the wrong things to define who I am. I looked to media. I used to watch EVERY episode and season of the "Love and Hip Hop" franchise. I knew it was high foolery in the beginning, but as I got deep in it I started to compare myself to the women on the show. I thought less of myself because I didn't "match up" to them. And it wasn't just Love and Hip Hop. It was other tv shows, popular songs, images. I defined what it means to be a woman based on their standards. And their standards- a whole mess. I looked to those around me. Instagram and Facebook were my worst enemy. I compared myself to everyone I saw. Whether it was looks, job, finances, lifestyle or relationships. I wanted to be on top and on top meant being better than everyone else. Every time I saw an area where I didn't measure up my sense of self worth took a huge hit. I looked to my friends. And here's something interesting: just because your friends live a certain way or are going down a certain path, that doesn't mean that's what is meant for you. It also doesn't mean that you have to agree with them or subscribe to their agenda. I didn't know or realize this. I wanted to be on the track running alongside my friends when in reality we could very well be in two different races. I thought I needed to desire the things that they desired. When my friends talked about what wan't "good enough" or what they wanted out of life, if that wasn't my desire, if that wasn't where I was, then I felt that I had missed the mark. I also looked to men. My goal: to one day be married and have a family. In order for that to happen men have to find me attractive, desirable, they have to want to be with me. So I acted in ways to make this happen, even when it went against my morals, my values, and what my inner self felt was right.When this didn't happen, I took this as a sign that I wasn't good enough, that I was somehow flawed and needed to abandon the idea of who I thought I should be in favor of what I thought men wanted. 

When I defined myself by these standards I was NEVER good enough because I was holding myself to a standard that I wasn't created to attain. And if I was honest with myself, the inner me didn't want to meet these standards. But I was lost, if this wasn't the definition of me then what was? I came to the conclusion that I had to reject all of the influences telling me who I should be but I was lost and confused about where I could find the answers.

I Defined Myself By God's Standards: I Found My Identity 

One day I was watching the Breakfast Club (a very popular morning radio show) and they were interviewing gospel artist Kirk Franklin. I believe that Charlemagne was trying to trip Kirk up regarding how Christian men view women and Kirk gave an answer that struck a chord with me. He said "Think of every woman as a daughter of God, if God were in the room how would you treat her?" I don't remember the rest of the interview because this statement sent my mind racing. "I am a daughter of God!" "I'm letting people treat me however they want!" "I need to hold people to a standard!" "People need to treat me like I am a daughter of a King!" This was the point where I began to discover or should I say, rediscover, my identity. This identify is based on what God says about me as 1) His child and 2) A woman. I started reading Proverbs 31 every morning. I looked for scriptures that gave further insight on who God designed me to be. This began a transformation that is indescribable. When I held myself up to God's standard instead of the standard of the world I saw an attainable identity instead of an unattainable one. With the grace of God and through his help I can be what He says I am. Not only that but John 3:16 says the following, "For God so loved that world [This means me], that he gave his only Son [To die]" Not only can I be what God says I am but he found worth in me, even when I didn't see worth in myself. With God I am loved, I am accepted, I have true worth, value, and an IDENTITY. 

When I didn't know who I was, I struggled and that period was hard for me. In the past when I struggled I didn't reach out to others. I presented like everything was perfect when inside I was hurting. This time I found my strength in taking my problems to someone else . I urge you, that if you struggle like I did, if you feel like you don't know your worth, if you are wondering how you got to the place where you are. Talk to someone. Reach out. Get feedback. Don't depend solely on yourself but find peace in the supports around you. You are never alone.

I want to hear from you! Where do you look to find your identity? How does that impact your sense of worth? How do you know when others are finding their identity in all the wrong places. This is just my perspective on how I see the world, but I want to hear yours as well!

"You thought I was worth saving, so you came and changed my life; you thought I was worth keeping, so you cleaned me up inside; you thought I was to DIE FOR, so you sacrificed your life" Worth~Anthony Brown

Know Your Worth: Don't Be Afraid to Set Standards

Source: Unknown

I promised myself that I would stop posting memes on Instagram. I had to, I was a serial meme poster, I posted about 2-3 memes per day. And then I got sick of myself so I said I would not post another meme (I hope I'm using this word correctly, meme as in the image above). Well that was until I saw this image. I felt the message in this image spoke to a big issue I see in the relationships we have today and not only did I feel that need to repost it, I felt I had to talk about it.

First and foremost let me address the languaging in this image, from here on out can we agree to ignore the man/woman in the image? We all know that this can go either way, I don't want to blame/shame a specific gender.

Now that that's out of the way let's break down the meat of this post and how it relates to this "Know Your Worth" series. One big, gaping, hole in relationships today are standards. Merriam Webster defines the word standard as: 1) "A level of quality or achievement" and 2)  "Something that is very good and that is used to make  judgements  about other things." A standard is a desired outcome, an expectation. When you have standards in relationships, you have expectations and you are not willing to settle for anything less than what you expect. Some common standards that I see are: "No sex until marriage" or "No sex until we are in a committed relationship,"We have to go on dates," "Our anniversary is important and must be remembered," ect., ect. These standards create the guidelines by which we govern our relationships; so without the standard what are left with? A big puddle of mess!

The image highlights one standard that has been lost in today's generation: Fidelity. People are not setting standards for fidelity and commitment in their relationship. Now don't misunderstand me; there are some people whose standard for fidelity is that infidelity is acceptable. Not that I agree with this standard, but it is one. I am specifically speaking about are two things 1) People who never set the standard, and 2) People who set the standard but never communicate it to their significant other. This leaves people feeling hurt, alone, and betrayed when they experience cheating but what people fail to realize it that you have to set the standard before you can expect it to be met.

From my perspective a lot of people don't set standards in relationships because they are afraid. Some people desperately want to be in a relationship and they fear that setting a standard will eliminate their options leaving them all alone. Some people have their eye on "The One" or are already in a relationship with someone they think is "The One." These people fear that they will lose that special person because they won't be down for a relationship with boundaries and standards. Other people fear being ridiculed by their peers and so they follow the trends to fit in. In all of these situations the negative relational cycles are being perpetuated to no end. In order to stop these cycles a standard needs to be set and people need to hold each other accountable for how they behave in relationships.

People who doubt their worth struggle to set standards and boundaries in relationships with others. They feel that they are not good enough to place those kind of expectations on others. They take it personally when they lose relationships as a result of setting standards. They think the loss is a reflection of something negative inside of them. Let's end that today. Each and every person in this world has worth and they have the right to put expectations on the people who they engage with. In the same token others have the right to decline to abide by your set standards. Understand that a rejection of standards is not a reflection of the person who set them, it exposes a flaw in either the person rejecting or the relationship in itself. Maybe the relationship isn't as strong as you thought. Maybe the relationship isn't worth it to that person. Setting standards weeds out the weak people and relationships making room for strong and healthy ones. Setting standards gets rid of people who don't recognize your worth and opens the door for the ones who will see it and honor it. 

I used fidelity and cheating as an example for the sake of this post but understand that setting standards applies to so many facets of relationships. From time, to money, to communication and many others.Also, it doesn't apply simply to romantic relationships, but to any relationship you find yourself in. Setting standards creates structure, it allows you to communicate your needs and wants to the other person. It helps you hold them accountable for how they treat you and it highlights whether they are capable of being the person you deserve in the relationship.

This is just my perspective on setting standards in relationships. What do you think? Am I out of my mind or right on target? Do you set standards in your relationships? How? And how does that work for you? I want to hear from you so feel free to leave a comment below. Thank for stopping by, hope you make it back again.

"Let us be sensitive about setting high standards for life, love, creativity, and wisdom. If our expectations in these areas are low, we are not likely to experience wellness. Setting high standards makes every day and decade worth looking forward to."~ Greg Anderson

Know Your Worth: Know the Signs

Source: Dreamstime.com

The first step in creating positive self-worth is acknowledging that you have a low sense of self worth. For some the signs are obvious and dots are easy to connect, other signs don't point directly to self worth but they are still a burden to bear. Let's highlight some direct and indirect signs of low self worth.

Thinking Negatively About Self

• Every single one of us has faults, myself included, but we also have strengths as well. A healthy and well balanced person is aware of their strengths as well as their weaknesses and is always looking towards growth and forward progress. A person with low self worth is constantly criticizing themselves. In their eyes the negatives grossly outweigh the positives. They are their own worst critic. Instead of working to overcome their faults, they choose to swim in a pool of self pity and doubt. They are stuck in a mindset that they are no good and trapped in a pattern of self destruction.

In-congruence of Self

• What does this mean? Basically that the "you" that is presented to others doesn't match the true "you." This can be seen in character traits. For example, someone may present in public as rough, tough, and unbreakable but their true self is soft, caring, and emotional. The in-congruence can also be evident in the decisions that we make. For example, someone who always gives in to what others wants from them, even in times when it is appropriate for them to put themselves first. A person with low self worth is not confident in who they truly are so they become someone else in order to feel more confident, they become the person they feel is worthy when in actuality who they are is good enough.

Relationship Woes

• How many of use find ourselves in same relationship over and over again. I don't mean with the same person; what I'm referring to is we constantly find ourselves in the same situation constantly wondering how we got here...AGAIN! It's true that we attract what we project. If we feel low about ourselves, if we have a negative self worth, we will project that and others will pick up on it whether consciously or unconsciously. Oftentimes people with low self worth attract people who lack confidence and use the one with low self worth to validate themselves. This only adds to the negative cycle that strips you of your worthiness. If you find yourself constantly in bad relationships; it's possible that regardless of your experience, All Men and All Women are not    (Fill in the blank here)   . It is possible that it is time to stop looking outward an looking inside in order to create a different experience. 

Stuck in an Undesired Situation

• When you can recognize that you're at a place you don't want to be but never take any steps to move out of that place, it is possible that you have a low sense of self worth. Those with a low sense of self worth do not believe that they are deserving of the best that life has for them. They are content with settling for less that what they are worthy of. They become comfortable with what is mediocre instead of striving for what is excellent. They begin to unknowingly self-sabotage so that they can remain where they are. This may be a dead-end job, an unhealthy relationship, or just a failure to experience the best that life has to offer.

These are just a few indicators that point to a low sense of self worth. There are definitely others that can be added and of course, experiencing any one of these is not a direct indicator that one has a poor self worth. Signs point you in a direction but it is up to you to follow the signs to understand the end destination.

I hope this has been as helpful for you as it has been for me. Trust me when I say I have learned so much just through typing this and I am so exited to continue bringing you content on this topic.

Let Me Know: What are some other signs that we can add to this list? How do you personally determine if you or someone you know is struggling with poor self worth?

Coming Up: The Challenge!

"Your perspective in life comes from the cage you were held hostage in"~ Shannon L. Adler

When the Diagnosis is the Problem

One of my wonderful Facebook friends shared this simple yet thought provoking video about giving children psychiatric diagnoses. I started to re-post the video with a very looooong caption but then I remembered, that's why I have this outlet. For those that don't know, the letters on the t-shirts of the children in this video represent mental health diagnoses. The diagnoses are given based on symptoms that the child exhibits over a certain amount of time. More information about these diagnoses can be found through researching the DSM, which is the manual containing all mental health diagnoses for children and adults.
I'm sad to say that far too often in my line of work I am witness to the issue displayed in this video. On a daily basis I work with children and teenagers who have been labeled with diagnoses that follow them throughout the rest of their lives. From my perspective I feel that the quickness with which the diagnosis is given doesn't match the lifetime stigma that some carry. I believe that at times diagnoses get thrown out to appease complaining parents who are looking for a quick fix for troublesome behavior. Other times diagnoses are given because of faulty systems. In some cases the only way that a child can receive the supportive services that they need, is for them to be given a diagnoses. This is only followed by a medication prescription that may be unnecessary or too extreme. But the issue can be even deeper that this.
This issue with the diagnosis being the problem is also reflective of how we take advantage of certain groups of people. For example, earlier I shared that some parents are looking for a quick fix for their children's behaviors. If these parents lack a solid mental health education they can agree to and accept a diagnosis that is more of a hindrance than a help. Some low income families can not afford the high cost of outside mental health services and as I stated earlier in some cases the right mental health diagnosis can guarantee these services. If we look at gender, at times males and females can present with the same behaviors; but the males are more likely to be seen as "the problem" and given a diagnosis. Race also plays a role. I have seen white and black children with similar behaviors, both given a diagnosis, but a different diagnosis. One more favorable than the other. For example, our society has come to accept the ADD* and ADHD* diagnoses. I see a greater number of professionals who are more willing to deal with these diagnoses than diagnoses such as ODD* and Conduct Disorder (CD). Consequently I see white youths being diagnosed with ADHD and ADD and black youths diagnosed as ODD and Conduct Disorder. I also see more youths who are involved with law enforcement being labeled ODD or CD early on. This confirms what we see in  our reality; males from low income, Black families being repeat offenders in our criminal system.
In spite of what may seem like a negative trend, there is hope! We as a society have to take back the labels that we are stigmatizing our children with. We are all unique and how we act and behave are signs of our uniqueness. We have to highlight and encourage the positives in the behaviors that are often deemed negative. For example, I had a professor when I was in grad school who had a son who had been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). The name itself is negative, suggesting that one diagnosed with this disorder has a "deficit." Instead of ascribing to this description my professor labeled his son as having Attention in Different Directions (ADD). The description can have a negative connotation but it can also be used to direct the child in a positive direction though embracing the behaviors instead of stigmatizing them. As most parents can attest to there is no easy way to raising children. Sometimes these diagnoses can be a quick fix but fail to accurately address the true issues. Some of the symptoms that accompany the diagnoses can be treated holistically or behaviorally. But these methods take time, consistency, and attention while they can eliminate the debilitating label that accompanies a diagnoseis.
I have to end by saying that all psychiatrists, medications, and diagnoses are not bad nor do they have poor intentions. There are many who benefit through understanding behaviors through the context of a mental health diagnosis. There are some who have issues with chemicals in the brain which medication can help treat. The issue is that overuse can sometimes make a good thing ineffective. When too many children are diagnosed then the diagnosis doesn't hold much weight. Everyone looks at the children through the lens of their diagnosis instead of for who they are in addition to the behaviors that warrant a diagnoses. 

These are jut my thoughts on children and mental health diagnoses. What are your thoughts? How do you see it? Agree or Disagree I would like to know! Thanks for stopping by and come back in two weeks for the next post.

"One must have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star"~Friedrich Nietzsche

*ADHD= Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

*ADD=Attention Deficit Disorder

*ODD= Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Know Your Worth~ Getting Started

Source: Sprite.com

This popular lyric from the rapper Drake has been stuck in my head for a while. Always popping in at the most random times. Not because the beat is catchy but because I often need to remind myself to "Know My Worth," or I see people stuck in situations where the don't "Know Their Worth," OR I see some of out most praised celebrities acting in ways that clearly signal a lack of self worth. What I was going to do was have an entire series focused on "Know Your Worth," but as I type this intro I think I am having a change of heart. Instead of doing back to back posts, there will be some posts that I do that fall under the heading "Know Your Worth." I believe we live in a day and age where it is easy to lose sight of our worth. We constantly hold up a measuring stick comparing ourselves to others and when we fall short our sense of self worth drops too. The media and pop culture provides us with an image of what life is supposed to look like when in reality the average person cannot attain that lifestyle. Some of us have people in our lives who's comments and "suggestions" are more hurtful than helpful and make us feel worse about ourselves that we should. And finally, some of us are our own worst enemies. We beat ourselves down and critique ourselves to the point where we can't see the good that others see in us. Regardless of why; when we don't "Know Our Worth," we act in ways the rob the world of the chance to see the unique greatness that lies in each and every one of us. We accept WAY less than we deserve and act in ways that cause people to see us as something we are not.  I hope that every "Know Your Worth" post is encouraging, motivating, and empowering and challenges any messages that tell us we are not worth it. 


Let Me Know: What do you think are the top contributors to a lack of self worth? Got any examples? 

Coming Up Next: "Know the Signs" What behaviors indicate a low sense of self worth?

As always feel free to comment you experience, ask your questions, and share with friends. I really want to know what YOU think. Thanks for stopping by!

"Self worth comes from one thing- Thinking that you are worthy"~Wayne Dyer