Know Your Worth: Where Do I Find My Identity?

Source: Theodysseyonline.com, vh1.com, womenoffaith.com

This 'Know Your Worth" series is one that is is very special to me. It's special because it is a recent journey that I have found myself on. The past few years have been somewhat of a roller-coaster for me. The person who I was for a very long time became very distant and foreign to me and I became someone I barely recognized. I behaved in ways that were not congruent with who I truly was on the inside. At the height of this time I pleaded to God asking Him how I had gotten to this point. Then answer was clear, I had lost sight of my worth. My attempts to "have worth" to "be worthy"-futile. This caused low self esteem, feelings of inadequacy, a broken woman. And at the root of this brokenness-I was had the wrong idea of who I was, I had found my identity the wrong way and in all the wrong places.

 I Used the Wrong Dictionary to Define Myself 

At one point in my life I had a clear and right way of defining who I am. Then, at some point I decided that my definition wasn't good enough. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be all the things I wasn't but looked good to me. So, I started looking to the wrong things to define who I am. I looked to media. I used to watch EVERY episode and season of the "Love and Hip Hop" franchise. I knew it was high foolery in the beginning, but as I got deep in it I started to compare myself to the women on the show. I thought less of myself because I didn't "match up" to them. And it wasn't just Love and Hip Hop. It was other tv shows, popular songs, images. I defined what it means to be a woman based on their standards. And their standards- a whole mess. I looked to those around me. Instagram and Facebook were my worst enemy. I compared myself to everyone I saw. Whether it was looks, job, finances, lifestyle or relationships. I wanted to be on top and on top meant being better than everyone else. Every time I saw an area where I didn't measure up my sense of self worth took a huge hit. I looked to my friends. And here's something interesting: just because your friends live a certain way or are going down a certain path, that doesn't mean that's what is meant for you. It also doesn't mean that you have to agree with them or subscribe to their agenda. I didn't know or realize this. I wanted to be on the track running alongside my friends when in reality we could very well be in two different races. I thought I needed to desire the things that they desired. When my friends talked about what wan't "good enough" or what they wanted out of life, if that wasn't my desire, if that wasn't where I was, then I felt that I had missed the mark. I also looked to men. My goal: to one day be married and have a family. In order for that to happen men have to find me attractive, desirable, they have to want to be with me. So I acted in ways to make this happen, even when it went against my morals, my values, and what my inner self felt was right.When this didn't happen, I took this as a sign that I wasn't good enough, that I was somehow flawed and needed to abandon the idea of who I thought I should be in favor of what I thought men wanted. 

When I defined myself by these standards I was NEVER good enough because I was holding myself to a standard that I wasn't created to attain. And if I was honest with myself, the inner me didn't want to meet these standards. But I was lost, if this wasn't the definition of me then what was? I came to the conclusion that I had to reject all of the influences telling me who I should be but I was lost and confused about where I could find the answers.

I Defined Myself By God's Standards: I Found My Identity 

One day I was watching the Breakfast Club (a very popular morning radio show) and they were interviewing gospel artist Kirk Franklin. I believe that Charlemagne was trying to trip Kirk up regarding how Christian men view women and Kirk gave an answer that struck a chord with me. He said "Think of every woman as a daughter of God, if God were in the room how would you treat her?" I don't remember the rest of the interview because this statement sent my mind racing. "I am a daughter of God!" "I'm letting people treat me however they want!" "I need to hold people to a standard!" "People need to treat me like I am a daughter of a King!" This was the point where I began to discover or should I say, rediscover, my identity. This identify is based on what God says about me as 1) His child and 2) A woman. I started reading Proverbs 31 every morning. I looked for scriptures that gave further insight on who God designed me to be. This began a transformation that is indescribable. When I held myself up to God's standard instead of the standard of the world I saw an attainable identity instead of an unattainable one. With the grace of God and through his help I can be what He says I am. Not only that but John 3:16 says the following, "For God so loved that world [This means me], that he gave his only Son [To die]" Not only can I be what God says I am but he found worth in me, even when I didn't see worth in myself. With God I am loved, I am accepted, I have true worth, value, and an IDENTITY. 

When I didn't know who I was, I struggled and that period was hard for me. In the past when I struggled I didn't reach out to others. I presented like everything was perfect when inside I was hurting. This time I found my strength in taking my problems to someone else . I urge you, that if you struggle like I did, if you feel like you don't know your worth, if you are wondering how you got to the place where you are. Talk to someone. Reach out. Get feedback. Don't depend solely on yourself but find peace in the supports around you. You are never alone.

I want to hear from you! Where do you look to find your identity? How does that impact your sense of worth? How do you know when others are finding their identity in all the wrong places. This is just my perspective on how I see the world, but I want to hear yours as well!

"You thought I was worth saving, so you came and changed my life; you thought I was worth keeping, so you cleaned me up inside; you thought I was to DIE FOR, so you sacrificed your life" Worth~Anthony Brown

Know Your Worth: I Challenge You!

Developing a healthy sense of self worth is no easy task. It's not like you go to bed one night and wake up owning your worth. A healthy sense of self worth is something that has to be worked at, cultivated, and developed. It takes work. Over time you (or others) have taught you that you are not good enough, that you are less than. This was not something that happened because of one incident or circumstance. Over time you were exposed to situations that confirmed the negative message that maintained your negative sense of self. I am going to give some suggestions of things that you can do to undo that work and change the way you view yourself. With this consistency is key. Remember, you are training your brain to think differently and therefore when there is a lapse you set yourself back and instead of building from where you left off you have to re-do work that you've already done. Also, you are changing your brain and the way you think, it won't happen over night; but, if you make an honest effort you will begin to notice change. Don't believe me just watch! I challenge you!

1. Make A List

• Right now you don't see yourself as worthy because of how you view yourself. You view yourself through your faults, your difficulties, your weaknesses (which we all have by the way). So this is what you need to do, get a piece of paper and pen and list all your positives, everything good about you. From the way you look, to your personality and your accomplishments; make a list as long as you can that brags about you. If you are having trouble making a list, talk to some people (GOOD PEOPLE) and ask them what are some positives about you. Think back on the things that people have said about you over time. Things like "You have a nice smile," "You're intelligent," "You think well on your feet," ect. Spend a good amount of time on your list. Put your list up somewhere where you can see it on a daily basis (Examples: On your refrigerator, next to your mirror, on your nightstand) and let it serve as a constant reminder that you are worth it!
• Take It A Step Further: I hope your list is nice and long. Take things a step further by choosing the top five things on your list and write them on an index card. Carry this index card with you and whenever you feel your worth depleting, whenever someone tries to rob you of your worth, whenever you stop believing the positive and start harping on the negatives; take a look at that card and remember your worth!

2. Say It

• Don't just talk about it be about it. Remember when I said we are changing the way we think, one way to speed up the process is to speak the truths we are teaching ourselves to accept. For this task you need to identify one or multiple mantras. A mantra is simply a statement that you repeat over and over. You can either look up mantras (google is your friend) or create your own, but they should speak to your worth. For example, the most obvious mantra is "I am worth it." But you can also choose specific mantras like "I am beautiful," "I deserve the best that life has to offer," "I can do this," ect., ect. You can pick one mantra or several but everyday you say this mantra at least once. It's best to do it first thing in the morning to motivate you for the rest of the day. You can say the mantra once or as many times as you want. You can say one mantra or multiple. Get creative, it's your journey. I firmly believe in this practice. I believe that words have the power and we can literally speak life or death. I believe that by speaking positivity and hope each morning you have the ability to impact the remainder of your day.

3.Know Your Bullies

• So, our first step was to identify our positives, and just as it's important to know our positives it's also important to know our negatives as well. Negatives in this sense being the messages that contribute to our low sense of self worth. This will be unique for each and every one of us; it can be related to our appearance, personality, or ability to achieve. Think about all the times you feel worthless, useless, and unsuccessful and what was happening at that time. Is there a specific person that makes you feel that way? Do you feel worthless in class or at work? In a relationship? Once you identify those specific situations or thoughts that contribute to the negative feelings now we can challenge them. As you enter into those situations, encounter those people, start reflecting on your positive messages; start reciting your mantras, pull out your Top 5 index card. In order to train your brain to think differently you have to act almost instantaneously, at least at first. Once this becomes the norm you won't need the index card, your brain will automatically jump in on its own and shut the negative messages down. But, it takes practice at first, it takes work to overcome your present way of thinking.

4.Cut It Out

•  Sometimes we send ourselves the negative messages that decrease our sense of self worth but oftentimes those messages come from other places as well. I will go into greater depth about this in another post but some examples are other people, the music we listen to, the shows we watch and the celebrities we follow. Once we identify these sources we need to get rid of them. It's hard and sometimes impossible to completely cut people out of our lives but if someone's words and actions are detrimental to our sense of self worth we need to significantly reduce the time we spend with them. Stop watching certain shows or going certain places. It's hard at first but remember, we are re-wiring out brains and overtime the sacrifices we make will be appreciated as we begin to see ourselves as worth it!

I challenge you to put these suggestions to the test. Give an honest effort for at least 6 months and see if you notice any change in yourself, the way you think and feel. I bet you won't be the only one who notices the change, I bet those around you will see it too!

"If you have a positive attitude and constantly strive to give your best effort, eventually you will overcome your immediate problems and find that you are ready for greater challenges" ~ Pat Riley

Know Your Worth: Know the Signs

Source: Dreamstime.com

The first step in creating positive self-worth is acknowledging that you have a low sense of self worth. For some the signs are obvious and dots are easy to connect, other signs don't point directly to self worth but they are still a burden to bear. Let's highlight some direct and indirect signs of low self worth.

Thinking Negatively About Self

• Every single one of us has faults, myself included, but we also have strengths as well. A healthy and well balanced person is aware of their strengths as well as their weaknesses and is always looking towards growth and forward progress. A person with low self worth is constantly criticizing themselves. In their eyes the negatives grossly outweigh the positives. They are their own worst critic. Instead of working to overcome their faults, they choose to swim in a pool of self pity and doubt. They are stuck in a mindset that they are no good and trapped in a pattern of self destruction.

In-congruence of Self

• What does this mean? Basically that the "you" that is presented to others doesn't match the true "you." This can be seen in character traits. For example, someone may present in public as rough, tough, and unbreakable but their true self is soft, caring, and emotional. The in-congruence can also be evident in the decisions that we make. For example, someone who always gives in to what others wants from them, even in times when it is appropriate for them to put themselves first. A person with low self worth is not confident in who they truly are so they become someone else in order to feel more confident, they become the person they feel is worthy when in actuality who they are is good enough.

Relationship Woes

• How many of use find ourselves in same relationship over and over again. I don't mean with the same person; what I'm referring to is we constantly find ourselves in the same situation constantly wondering how we got here...AGAIN! It's true that we attract what we project. If we feel low about ourselves, if we have a negative self worth, we will project that and others will pick up on it whether consciously or unconsciously. Oftentimes people with low self worth attract people who lack confidence and use the one with low self worth to validate themselves. This only adds to the negative cycle that strips you of your worthiness. If you find yourself constantly in bad relationships; it's possible that regardless of your experience, All Men and All Women are not    (Fill in the blank here)   . It is possible that it is time to stop looking outward an looking inside in order to create a different experience. 

Stuck in an Undesired Situation

• When you can recognize that you're at a place you don't want to be but never take any steps to move out of that place, it is possible that you have a low sense of self worth. Those with a low sense of self worth do not believe that they are deserving of the best that life has for them. They are content with settling for less that what they are worthy of. They become comfortable with what is mediocre instead of striving for what is excellent. They begin to unknowingly self-sabotage so that they can remain where they are. This may be a dead-end job, an unhealthy relationship, or just a failure to experience the best that life has to offer.

These are just a few indicators that point to a low sense of self worth. There are definitely others that can be added and of course, experiencing any one of these is not a direct indicator that one has a poor self worth. Signs point you in a direction but it is up to you to follow the signs to understand the end destination.

I hope this has been as helpful for you as it has been for me. Trust me when I say I have learned so much just through typing this and I am so exited to continue bringing you content on this topic.

Let Me Know: What are some other signs that we can add to this list? How do you personally determine if you or someone you know is struggling with poor self worth?

Coming Up: The Challenge!

"Your perspective in life comes from the cage you were held hostage in"~ Shannon L. Adler

Weight loss...It's More Than Just The Lbs. Pt 4: Know Your History

Source: http://www.vanderbilt.edu/

As a family therapist one of our most used tools is a genogram. A genogram is basically a family tree and it's one of my favorite tools. Why? Because a genogram doesn't just show who's in the family but patterns throughout generations such as abuse, drug use, financial struggles, parenting choices and anything else you can think of. Oftentimes families don't realize these patterns, how far they go back, and how much of an impact the past has on the present. Understanding the past is also an important step in the weight loss process. 
Consider a family that uses food to console each other. Each time someone is sad, disappointed, angry, or stressed a plate of comfort food is shoved in their face? Or how about a family where an extra ten dollars at the end of the week means a an extra tasty treat from the grocery store? What about families that have a reoccurring pattern of laziness, those that make every excuse in the book about why they can't walk around the block, lift a weight, or hop on the treadmill to better themselves. These are unhealthy and debilitating patterns that seem simple on the surface but take a closer look and you'll see how deeply ingrained they are and what a tremendous barrier they are in preventing us from achieving the growth and change we want to see. We have to recognize, understand, and change these patterns before we see any physical change. Now, I'm about to take it  step further but stay with me.

Let's go deep
I want to consider an even deeper generational pattern that can have a hold on us as it relates to this issue. As a black woman I'm going to speak on the black experience but any race can benefit from this perspective. 
Slavery has had a tremendous impact on the black experience, especially how we eat. During slavery, black slaves were given whatever was left after their masters ate the best of the best. Some of the food was spoiled or it was the parts that no one else wanted...like pig intestines (But I digress). This was all we had so we learned to survive on it. Learned how to season it up really well, oftentimes with seasonings that are detrimental to our health but necessary to preserve the food. These eating habits were passed from generation to generation and have come to be a defining cultural norm. Now I'm not suggesting that we all give up our soul food for good, but we have to take into consideration a loyalty to food at the expense of our health and well being. We are worth more than high blood pressure, cardiac arrest, heart attacks, and clogged arteries; which are issues that black people out rank other races in. We as a people have to do better.
So here is another perspective. As a result of slavery and Jim Crow Blacks were taught that we are inferior and that there were certain privileges that are set aside for Whites. As a result we now have white privilege where we as black people accept that whites are more deserving of certain things than we are. But in this day and age, instead of acknowledging this privilege we accept it and use it as a way to look down on others.  When I'm in a group of other black people and we see healthy food or a unique way of working out the comment is always "That's for white people," or "That's a white thing." Because the pattern of thinking that has been passed from generation to generation is that good health and taking care of ourselves are reserved for the privileged in our community, the Whites. This is a deeply rooted issue and we need to understand it's impact on us before were can truly take care of our bodies.

I had to go there for a moment, I had to go deep, because this is a deep issue, it's more than just about the Lbs. When we get a basic understanding of our root issue we can begin to make changes that will be visible on the surface. So here is some homework for you, yes I said homework. Look at your own family tree, try to identify food, eating, and health patterns in the generations. Look at diseases and illnesses, talk to your family and understand the patterns so you can be aware of what you're up against.

So, we have made it to the final installment of this series on weight loss. I hope that this series has been beneficial to you and than you keep coming back for the other topics I'll post on. Please share a comment or question on this specific post and if there are any topics you would like to hear me address or questions that you want my perspective on please visit the Q&A page. 

... no human being is master of his fate, and ... we are all motivated far more than we care to admit by characteristics inherited from our ancestors which individual experiences of childhood can modify, repress, or enhance, but cannot erase-Agnes E. Meyer

Weight Loss...It's More Than Just the LBS Part 1

As we enter the fall season I know some people are thinking back to resolutions made on January 1st and wondering "What Happened?" Somehow the determination and motivation that was present at the beginning of the year has been watered down to a mere memory. The truth of the matter is that weight loss is more than just a resolution, more than about fitting into a pair of jeans or a swimsuit, more than about looking good at your next reunion. What most people miss is that weight loss is not just about the physical but it is a mental and psychological struggle. Today, I want to be vulnerable and share my own weight loss journey in hopes bring clarity to something that is more than just a trivial matter.

I started gaining weight when I hit puberty. Of course I noticed first, but I just waived it off. I became more self-conscious when others started to notice and make comments about it. I remember someone pulling me off to the side and saying "I see you're putting on some weight," as if that were a good thing. As my weight rose so did my desire to do something about it. I desperately wanted to change myself. But no matter how many sit-ups I did in secret or how hard I tried not to eat; the weight stayed.
Throughout middle school and high school, it was there, and I was extremely conscious of it. I didn't want people to watch me eat, I was always concerned about how I looked in my clothes, and I was always comparing my body to others. But even worse, my self confidence was draining and I had such a poor self-image that I consciously avoided looking at myself in the mirror. 
When it was finally time for me to go off to college the weight was still there. But it was at this point that I came to terms with the fact that I was a big girl. I accepted that this is how I would be for the rest of my life and I began to search for the positives of being a "heavier girl." I started to stop avoiding looking at myself in the mirror in an attempt to force myself to accept the beauty that lie within. I still wished I could be skinny but I stopped blaming myself for who I was. When I graduated from college I came home to more of the same; the inability to lost weight, the acceptance that my size would never change and desperately trying to convince myself that it was okay even though deep down I knew that this was not who I was supposed to be.
In 2011 I began my Master's program at Drexel University.To date, that program has been the most grueling experience of my life. I cannot remember putting so much time, energy, and effort into anything else. Not only was the program academically rigorous, it was also emotionally draining. We were required to be emotionally vulnerable with strangers! I uncovered some hurts that I tried to keep buried and came face to face with truths and realities that I spent years ignoring and burying. I finished the first year of my graduate program emotionally lighter but still physically weighed down; but, releasing that emotional weight was what ultimately allowed me to lose the physical weight which resulted in what some people have called a "dramatic weight loss." As you can see in my picture I lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time, 80lbs more or less in approximately one year.

Weight loss can be one of the most difficult things to accomplish. So many people struggle for years without seeing the results they want because they fail to realize that it's more than about the lbs. This series will address some of the other areas in our lives that we need to attack before we ever lose a pound or an inch. Granted, this may not apply to everyone, but those who have been working, trying, and failing to see results should consider that what lies beneath the surface can sometimes be our greatest adversary and the hardest parts of ourselves to look at and accept are those that have the greatest impact on who we are AND how we look.

I hope you continue reading in this series....questions, comments, concerns? Leave it all below and I'll be sure to get back to you!

"It's not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves" Sir Edmund Hillary













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