Are You A Reactor or A Responder?

Source: Dailycaring.com

It's 8:00AM, your alarm was supposed to go off at 7:30, it never did. You put your clothes in the dryer last night but never pressed start. On your way to work someone cuts you off, almost causing an accident. When you get to work the one co-worker who always cracks jokes says something to tick you off even more. You give them the death stare and open your mouth to respond.  

Everyday life happens to us; the good, the bad, and the ugly. When I was in grad school I had an awesome supervisor (shameless plug), Jay Lappin, and he taught us the following equation: E+R=O. In this equation the E stands for an event, R stands for the Response, and the O stands for the Outcome. The Event is what happens to us. The sequence above gives examples of events. The Response is how we handle the event when it happens. The Outcome is the end result. In this equation we can't control the Event but we can control the Response which then impacts the Outcome. The question is are you a Reactor or a Responder?

A Reactor gives an immediate emotional reaction to the content of the Event. Many of use have a natural, internal reactions to the things that we experience in our lives. Both the big issues and the tiny incidents elicit an emotion, a thought, a feeling. Reactors allow the naturally occurring, internal thoughts to freely come out without a filter. Reactors don't give thought to how their words and actions will impact the Outcome, they only think about how the Event is weighing on them. A Reactor in the example above feels frustrated and annoyed and these feelings are being intensified by the co-worker. A Reactor then goes in on the co-worker; yelling, screaming, cursing, or insulting them. After the dust settles, the Reactor usually regrets their reaction. They feel guilty, sorry, embarrassed, ect. The result is an undesired Outcome; the Reactor usually has to pick up broken pieces and fix things as a result of their reaction. 

Responders, like Reactors, have internal emotional responses to their Events. Unlike Reactors, Responders don't automatically act on their internal thoughts and feelings. Instead, Responders take time to process what they are experiencing and how they are feeling. This processing could take 30 seconds, minutes, or hours. A Responder understands that their Response impacts their Outcome and they don't want an Outcome that they will regret, or that will cause them even greater problems. In the above example a Responder would take a moment to validate their feelings of frustration and impatience. They would identify the various things that have happened throughout the morning that led to these feelings. This brief assessment leads to the conclusion that although the co-worker may be annoying, they are no different than they are on any other day. And every other day the Responder laughs along with the co-worker or rolls their eyes. The Responder comes to the conclusion that the co-worker is not intentionally trying to frustrate the co-worker and therefore does not deserve to be the container for their frustration. Instead the Responder explains that they are having a bad day, walks away to be  by themselves, or takes some time and later addresses the co-workers "annoying" behaviors in an appropriate and emotionally healthy way. Giving clear thought about how to respond doesn't undo the Even but the Responder can walk away knowing that they did everything they could to create the desired Outcome.

It is not easy to be a Responder instead of a Reactor, especially if you're used to responding instantly based off of feelings. It takes time to change thoughts and slow yourself down enough so that you avoid making the immediate reaction. But, in the end it is worth it. Instead of having to go back and fix things, you know that you did your best to appropriately handle the situation. Imagine how different things would be in the world if more people would be Responders instead of Reactors.

Are you a Responder or a Reactor? Do you think that it's better to respond or react. How would things be different if more people were Responders? This is just how I see things but I'm eager to hear how you view this issue. Thanks for stopping by and be sure to share your thoughts below.

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."~ The Bible, James 1:19, English Standard Version

Know Your Worth: Where Do I Find My Identity?

Source: Theodysseyonline.com, vh1.com, womenoffaith.com

This 'Know Your Worth" series is one that is is very special to me. It's special because it is a recent journey that I have found myself on. The past few years have been somewhat of a roller-coaster for me. The person who I was for a very long time became very distant and foreign to me and I became someone I barely recognized. I behaved in ways that were not congruent with who I truly was on the inside. At the height of this time I pleaded to God asking Him how I had gotten to this point. Then answer was clear, I had lost sight of my worth. My attempts to "have worth" to "be worthy"-futile. This caused low self esteem, feelings of inadequacy, a broken woman. And at the root of this brokenness-I was had the wrong idea of who I was, I had found my identity the wrong way and in all the wrong places.

 I Used the Wrong Dictionary to Define Myself 

At one point in my life I had a clear and right way of defining who I am. Then, at some point I decided that my definition wasn't good enough. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be all the things I wasn't but looked good to me. So, I started looking to the wrong things to define who I am. I looked to media. I used to watch EVERY episode and season of the "Love and Hip Hop" franchise. I knew it was high foolery in the beginning, but as I got deep in it I started to compare myself to the women on the show. I thought less of myself because I didn't "match up" to them. And it wasn't just Love and Hip Hop. It was other tv shows, popular songs, images. I defined what it means to be a woman based on their standards. And their standards- a whole mess. I looked to those around me. Instagram and Facebook were my worst enemy. I compared myself to everyone I saw. Whether it was looks, job, finances, lifestyle or relationships. I wanted to be on top and on top meant being better than everyone else. Every time I saw an area where I didn't measure up my sense of self worth took a huge hit. I looked to my friends. And here's something interesting: just because your friends live a certain way or are going down a certain path, that doesn't mean that's what is meant for you. It also doesn't mean that you have to agree with them or subscribe to their agenda. I didn't know or realize this. I wanted to be on the track running alongside my friends when in reality we could very well be in two different races. I thought I needed to desire the things that they desired. When my friends talked about what wan't "good enough" or what they wanted out of life, if that wasn't my desire, if that wasn't where I was, then I felt that I had missed the mark. I also looked to men. My goal: to one day be married and have a family. In order for that to happen men have to find me attractive, desirable, they have to want to be with me. So I acted in ways to make this happen, even when it went against my morals, my values, and what my inner self felt was right.When this didn't happen, I took this as a sign that I wasn't good enough, that I was somehow flawed and needed to abandon the idea of who I thought I should be in favor of what I thought men wanted. 

When I defined myself by these standards I was NEVER good enough because I was holding myself to a standard that I wasn't created to attain. And if I was honest with myself, the inner me didn't want to meet these standards. But I was lost, if this wasn't the definition of me then what was? I came to the conclusion that I had to reject all of the influences telling me who I should be but I was lost and confused about where I could find the answers.

I Defined Myself By God's Standards: I Found My Identity 

One day I was watching the Breakfast Club (a very popular morning radio show) and they were interviewing gospel artist Kirk Franklin. I believe that Charlemagne was trying to trip Kirk up regarding how Christian men view women and Kirk gave an answer that struck a chord with me. He said "Think of every woman as a daughter of God, if God were in the room how would you treat her?" I don't remember the rest of the interview because this statement sent my mind racing. "I am a daughter of God!" "I'm letting people treat me however they want!" "I need to hold people to a standard!" "People need to treat me like I am a daughter of a King!" This was the point where I began to discover or should I say, rediscover, my identity. This identify is based on what God says about me as 1) His child and 2) A woman. I started reading Proverbs 31 every morning. I looked for scriptures that gave further insight on who God designed me to be. This began a transformation that is indescribable. When I held myself up to God's standard instead of the standard of the world I saw an attainable identity instead of an unattainable one. With the grace of God and through his help I can be what He says I am. Not only that but John 3:16 says the following, "For God so loved that world [This means me], that he gave his only Son [To die]" Not only can I be what God says I am but he found worth in me, even when I didn't see worth in myself. With God I am loved, I am accepted, I have true worth, value, and an IDENTITY. 

When I didn't know who I was, I struggled and that period was hard for me. In the past when I struggled I didn't reach out to others. I presented like everything was perfect when inside I was hurting. This time I found my strength in taking my problems to someone else . I urge you, that if you struggle like I did, if you feel like you don't know your worth, if you are wondering how you got to the place where you are. Talk to someone. Reach out. Get feedback. Don't depend solely on yourself but find peace in the supports around you. You are never alone.

I want to hear from you! Where do you look to find your identity? How does that impact your sense of worth? How do you know when others are finding their identity in all the wrong places. This is just my perspective on how I see the world, but I want to hear yours as well!

"You thought I was worth saving, so you came and changed my life; you thought I was worth keeping, so you cleaned me up inside; you thought I was to DIE FOR, so you sacrificed your life" Worth~Anthony Brown

Know Your Worth: Don't Be Afraid to Set Standards

Source: Unknown

I promised myself that I would stop posting memes on Instagram. I had to, I was a serial meme poster, I posted about 2-3 memes per day. And then I got sick of myself so I said I would not post another meme (I hope I'm using this word correctly, meme as in the image above). Well that was until I saw this image. I felt the message in this image spoke to a big issue I see in the relationships we have today and not only did I feel that need to repost it, I felt I had to talk about it.

First and foremost let me address the languaging in this image, from here on out can we agree to ignore the man/woman in the image? We all know that this can go either way, I don't want to blame/shame a specific gender.

Now that that's out of the way let's break down the meat of this post and how it relates to this "Know Your Worth" series. One big, gaping, hole in relationships today are standards. Merriam Webster defines the word standard as: 1) "A level of quality or achievement" and 2)  "Something that is very good and that is used to make  judgements  about other things." A standard is a desired outcome, an expectation. When you have standards in relationships, you have expectations and you are not willing to settle for anything less than what you expect. Some common standards that I see are: "No sex until marriage" or "No sex until we are in a committed relationship,"We have to go on dates," "Our anniversary is important and must be remembered," ect., ect. These standards create the guidelines by which we govern our relationships; so without the standard what are left with? A big puddle of mess!

The image highlights one standard that has been lost in today's generation: Fidelity. People are not setting standards for fidelity and commitment in their relationship. Now don't misunderstand me; there are some people whose standard for fidelity is that infidelity is acceptable. Not that I agree with this standard, but it is one. I am specifically speaking about are two things 1) People who never set the standard, and 2) People who set the standard but never communicate it to their significant other. This leaves people feeling hurt, alone, and betrayed when they experience cheating but what people fail to realize it that you have to set the standard before you can expect it to be met.

From my perspective a lot of people don't set standards in relationships because they are afraid. Some people desperately want to be in a relationship and they fear that setting a standard will eliminate their options leaving them all alone. Some people have their eye on "The One" or are already in a relationship with someone they think is "The One." These people fear that they will lose that special person because they won't be down for a relationship with boundaries and standards. Other people fear being ridiculed by their peers and so they follow the trends to fit in. In all of these situations the negative relational cycles are being perpetuated to no end. In order to stop these cycles a standard needs to be set and people need to hold each other accountable for how they behave in relationships.

People who doubt their worth struggle to set standards and boundaries in relationships with others. They feel that they are not good enough to place those kind of expectations on others. They take it personally when they lose relationships as a result of setting standards. They think the loss is a reflection of something negative inside of them. Let's end that today. Each and every person in this world has worth and they have the right to put expectations on the people who they engage with. In the same token others have the right to decline to abide by your set standards. Understand that a rejection of standards is not a reflection of the person who set them, it exposes a flaw in either the person rejecting or the relationship in itself. Maybe the relationship isn't as strong as you thought. Maybe the relationship isn't worth it to that person. Setting standards weeds out the weak people and relationships making room for strong and healthy ones. Setting standards gets rid of people who don't recognize your worth and opens the door for the ones who will see it and honor it. 

I used fidelity and cheating as an example for the sake of this post but understand that setting standards applies to so many facets of relationships. From time, to money, to communication and many others.Also, it doesn't apply simply to romantic relationships, but to any relationship you find yourself in. Setting standards creates structure, it allows you to communicate your needs and wants to the other person. It helps you hold them accountable for how they treat you and it highlights whether they are capable of being the person you deserve in the relationship.

This is just my perspective on setting standards in relationships. What do you think? Am I out of my mind or right on target? Do you set standards in your relationships? How? And how does that work for you? I want to hear from you so feel free to leave a comment below. Thank for stopping by, hope you make it back again.

"Let us be sensitive about setting high standards for life, love, creativity, and wisdom. If our expectations in these areas are low, we are not likely to experience wellness. Setting high standards makes every day and decade worth looking forward to."~ Greg Anderson

Know Your Worth: Know the Signs

Source: Dreamstime.com

The first step in creating positive self-worth is acknowledging that you have a low sense of self worth. For some the signs are obvious and dots are easy to connect, other signs don't point directly to self worth but they are still a burden to bear. Let's highlight some direct and indirect signs of low self worth.

Thinking Negatively About Self

• Every single one of us has faults, myself included, but we also have strengths as well. A healthy and well balanced person is aware of their strengths as well as their weaknesses and is always looking towards growth and forward progress. A person with low self worth is constantly criticizing themselves. In their eyes the negatives grossly outweigh the positives. They are their own worst critic. Instead of working to overcome their faults, they choose to swim in a pool of self pity and doubt. They are stuck in a mindset that they are no good and trapped in a pattern of self destruction.

In-congruence of Self

• What does this mean? Basically that the "you" that is presented to others doesn't match the true "you." This can be seen in character traits. For example, someone may present in public as rough, tough, and unbreakable but their true self is soft, caring, and emotional. The in-congruence can also be evident in the decisions that we make. For example, someone who always gives in to what others wants from them, even in times when it is appropriate for them to put themselves first. A person with low self worth is not confident in who they truly are so they become someone else in order to feel more confident, they become the person they feel is worthy when in actuality who they are is good enough.

Relationship Woes

• How many of use find ourselves in same relationship over and over again. I don't mean with the same person; what I'm referring to is we constantly find ourselves in the same situation constantly wondering how we got here...AGAIN! It's true that we attract what we project. If we feel low about ourselves, if we have a negative self worth, we will project that and others will pick up on it whether consciously or unconsciously. Oftentimes people with low self worth attract people who lack confidence and use the one with low self worth to validate themselves. This only adds to the negative cycle that strips you of your worthiness. If you find yourself constantly in bad relationships; it's possible that regardless of your experience, All Men and All Women are not    (Fill in the blank here)   . It is possible that it is time to stop looking outward an looking inside in order to create a different experience. 

Stuck in an Undesired Situation

• When you can recognize that you're at a place you don't want to be but never take any steps to move out of that place, it is possible that you have a low sense of self worth. Those with a low sense of self worth do not believe that they are deserving of the best that life has for them. They are content with settling for less that what they are worthy of. They become comfortable with what is mediocre instead of striving for what is excellent. They begin to unknowingly self-sabotage so that they can remain where they are. This may be a dead-end job, an unhealthy relationship, or just a failure to experience the best that life has to offer.

These are just a few indicators that point to a low sense of self worth. There are definitely others that can be added and of course, experiencing any one of these is not a direct indicator that one has a poor self worth. Signs point you in a direction but it is up to you to follow the signs to understand the end destination.

I hope this has been as helpful for you as it has been for me. Trust me when I say I have learned so much just through typing this and I am so exited to continue bringing you content on this topic.

Let Me Know: What are some other signs that we can add to this list? How do you personally determine if you or someone you know is struggling with poor self worth?

Coming Up: The Challenge!

"Your perspective in life comes from the cage you were held hostage in"~ Shannon L. Adler

Weight Loss...It's More Than Just The Lbs Pt 2-Emotional Weight

Sometimes our emotional, psychological, and mental issues can show up as physical symptoms. For example, stress can show up as headaches or body pain, nervousness can show up as nausea or stomach pain. In the same way our struggles with weight loss can be connected to an emotional issue that hasn't been addressed yet. In this case we need to release our emotional demons before we can expect to see any physical change.

                              Picture Source: http://robedirobrob.deviantart.com/                                         
So what do I mean by emotional demons? Some people have experienced traumatic situations in their life that they have never processed or work through. Abuse, loss, grief, hurts, these are just some examples of trauma. When we experience trauma our brain literally changes forever. Our view of the world is warped and our interactions with others are shifted. Oftentimes we can't see the shift or connect it to our traumatic experiences. For some, additional weight or overeating can be a protective measure that unconsciously prevents us from experiencing the trauma again. Before we can seriously tackle the weight we have to identify and work through experiences of trauma.
 Others deal with past and present relationship wounds that have never been healed. Some examples of relationship wounds are betrayal by a loved one, being abandoned by a parent, and consistently being let down or disappointed. When we experience hurt in a relationship but do not give ourselves the freedom to validate that hurt we can hold a grudge. Holding on to grudges can be like holding on to weight. Until we are able to forgive and release a person's hold on our lives we will never be able to release the lbs. 
Still, others of us walk around weighed down by emotional baggage. Every single day each and every one of up have a variety of experiences that can take us through a variety of emotions both good and bad. We NEED an outlet for these feelings and emotions. We need to be emotionally supported and to know that someone cares for our emotional well being. When we don't have access to such outlets we can become overwhelmed.There are too many of us who do not have a healthy and safe way to let out our feelings and emotions. As a result these feelings become a sack of burdens that become heavier and heavier as time goes on, just like we become heavier and heavier as we pack on the lbs. The defining moment could be trusting someone to help us carry the burden. This is not an easy task, I know first hand. It's almost like a work out in and of itself. But the more we practice, the more we work on it, the easier it becomes. Just like physical exercise and weight loss. But before we can work out our bodies we need to work out our emotions. 

If you read the previous post you got a decent introduction to my weight loss struggle. (If you haven't read it, take a moment to check it out!) You saw that my emotional transformation began during grad school. I believe I dealt with all of the issues listed above. It was NOT an easy process. But I can be a witness that the emotional process that occurred behind the scenes was the foundation that created the physical transformation that everyone has been able to see. 

I hope that you will stay tuned for the next part of the series which will focus on how we view ourselves and the real reason we desire to lose weight.

What do you think about "emotional weight?" Is it something you deal with? Questions, comments, concerns....drop it below or use the Q&A link.

"I don't want to be at the mercy of my own emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them" Oscar Wilde

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