Know Your Worth: Don't Be Afraid to Set Standards

Source: Unknown

I promised myself that I would stop posting memes on Instagram. I had to, I was a serial meme poster, I posted about 2-3 memes per day. And then I got sick of myself so I said I would not post another meme (I hope I'm using this word correctly, meme as in the image above). Well that was until I saw this image. I felt the message in this image spoke to a big issue I see in the relationships we have today and not only did I feel that need to repost it, I felt I had to talk about it.

First and foremost let me address the languaging in this image, from here on out can we agree to ignore the man/woman in the image? We all know that this can go either way, I don't want to blame/shame a specific gender.

Now that that's out of the way let's break down the meat of this post and how it relates to this "Know Your Worth" series. One big, gaping, hole in relationships today are standards. Merriam Webster defines the word standard as: 1) "A level of quality or achievement" and 2)  "Something that is very good and that is used to make  judgements  about other things." A standard is a desired outcome, an expectation. When you have standards in relationships, you have expectations and you are not willing to settle for anything less than what you expect. Some common standards that I see are: "No sex until marriage" or "No sex until we are in a committed relationship,"We have to go on dates," "Our anniversary is important and must be remembered," ect., ect. These standards create the guidelines by which we govern our relationships; so without the standard what are left with? A big puddle of mess!

The image highlights one standard that has been lost in today's generation: Fidelity. People are not setting standards for fidelity and commitment in their relationship. Now don't misunderstand me; there are some people whose standard for fidelity is that infidelity is acceptable. Not that I agree with this standard, but it is one. I am specifically speaking about are two things 1) People who never set the standard, and 2) People who set the standard but never communicate it to their significant other. This leaves people feeling hurt, alone, and betrayed when they experience cheating but what people fail to realize it that you have to set the standard before you can expect it to be met.

From my perspective a lot of people don't set standards in relationships because they are afraid. Some people desperately want to be in a relationship and they fear that setting a standard will eliminate their options leaving them all alone. Some people have their eye on "The One" or are already in a relationship with someone they think is "The One." These people fear that they will lose that special person because they won't be down for a relationship with boundaries and standards. Other people fear being ridiculed by their peers and so they follow the trends to fit in. In all of these situations the negative relational cycles are being perpetuated to no end. In order to stop these cycles a standard needs to be set and people need to hold each other accountable for how they behave in relationships.

People who doubt their worth struggle to set standards and boundaries in relationships with others. They feel that they are not good enough to place those kind of expectations on others. They take it personally when they lose relationships as a result of setting standards. They think the loss is a reflection of something negative inside of them. Let's end that today. Each and every person in this world has worth and they have the right to put expectations on the people who they engage with. In the same token others have the right to decline to abide by your set standards. Understand that a rejection of standards is not a reflection of the person who set them, it exposes a flaw in either the person rejecting or the relationship in itself. Maybe the relationship isn't as strong as you thought. Maybe the relationship isn't worth it to that person. Setting standards weeds out the weak people and relationships making room for strong and healthy ones. Setting standards gets rid of people who don't recognize your worth and opens the door for the ones who will see it and honor it. 

I used fidelity and cheating as an example for the sake of this post but understand that setting standards applies to so many facets of relationships. From time, to money, to communication and many others.Also, it doesn't apply simply to romantic relationships, but to any relationship you find yourself in. Setting standards creates structure, it allows you to communicate your needs and wants to the other person. It helps you hold them accountable for how they treat you and it highlights whether they are capable of being the person you deserve in the relationship.

This is just my perspective on setting standards in relationships. What do you think? Am I out of my mind or right on target? Do you set standards in your relationships? How? And how does that work for you? I want to hear from you so feel free to leave a comment below. Thank for stopping by, hope you make it back again.

"Let us be sensitive about setting high standards for life, love, creativity, and wisdom. If our expectations in these areas are low, we are not likely to experience wellness. Setting high standards makes every day and decade worth looking forward to."~ Greg Anderson

Know Your Worth: I Challenge You!

Developing a healthy sense of self worth is no easy task. It's not like you go to bed one night and wake up owning your worth. A healthy sense of self worth is something that has to be worked at, cultivated, and developed. It takes work. Over time you (or others) have taught you that you are not good enough, that you are less than. This was not something that happened because of one incident or circumstance. Over time you were exposed to situations that confirmed the negative message that maintained your negative sense of self. I am going to give some suggestions of things that you can do to undo that work and change the way you view yourself. With this consistency is key. Remember, you are training your brain to think differently and therefore when there is a lapse you set yourself back and instead of building from where you left off you have to re-do work that you've already done. Also, you are changing your brain and the way you think, it won't happen over night; but, if you make an honest effort you will begin to notice change. Don't believe me just watch! I challenge you!

1. Make A List

• Right now you don't see yourself as worthy because of how you view yourself. You view yourself through your faults, your difficulties, your weaknesses (which we all have by the way). So this is what you need to do, get a piece of paper and pen and list all your positives, everything good about you. From the way you look, to your personality and your accomplishments; make a list as long as you can that brags about you. If you are having trouble making a list, talk to some people (GOOD PEOPLE) and ask them what are some positives about you. Think back on the things that people have said about you over time. Things like "You have a nice smile," "You're intelligent," "You think well on your feet," ect. Spend a good amount of time on your list. Put your list up somewhere where you can see it on a daily basis (Examples: On your refrigerator, next to your mirror, on your nightstand) and let it serve as a constant reminder that you are worth it!
• Take It A Step Further: I hope your list is nice and long. Take things a step further by choosing the top five things on your list and write them on an index card. Carry this index card with you and whenever you feel your worth depleting, whenever someone tries to rob you of your worth, whenever you stop believing the positive and start harping on the negatives; take a look at that card and remember your worth!

2. Say It

• Don't just talk about it be about it. Remember when I said we are changing the way we think, one way to speed up the process is to speak the truths we are teaching ourselves to accept. For this task you need to identify one or multiple mantras. A mantra is simply a statement that you repeat over and over. You can either look up mantras (google is your friend) or create your own, but they should speak to your worth. For example, the most obvious mantra is "I am worth it." But you can also choose specific mantras like "I am beautiful," "I deserve the best that life has to offer," "I can do this," ect., ect. You can pick one mantra or several but everyday you say this mantra at least once. It's best to do it first thing in the morning to motivate you for the rest of the day. You can say the mantra once or as many times as you want. You can say one mantra or multiple. Get creative, it's your journey. I firmly believe in this practice. I believe that words have the power and we can literally speak life or death. I believe that by speaking positivity and hope each morning you have the ability to impact the remainder of your day.

3.Know Your Bullies

• So, our first step was to identify our positives, and just as it's important to know our positives it's also important to know our negatives as well. Negatives in this sense being the messages that contribute to our low sense of self worth. This will be unique for each and every one of us; it can be related to our appearance, personality, or ability to achieve. Think about all the times you feel worthless, useless, and unsuccessful and what was happening at that time. Is there a specific person that makes you feel that way? Do you feel worthless in class or at work? In a relationship? Once you identify those specific situations or thoughts that contribute to the negative feelings now we can challenge them. As you enter into those situations, encounter those people, start reflecting on your positive messages; start reciting your mantras, pull out your Top 5 index card. In order to train your brain to think differently you have to act almost instantaneously, at least at first. Once this becomes the norm you won't need the index card, your brain will automatically jump in on its own and shut the negative messages down. But, it takes practice at first, it takes work to overcome your present way of thinking.

4.Cut It Out

•  Sometimes we send ourselves the negative messages that decrease our sense of self worth but oftentimes those messages come from other places as well. I will go into greater depth about this in another post but some examples are other people, the music we listen to, the shows we watch and the celebrities we follow. Once we identify these sources we need to get rid of them. It's hard and sometimes impossible to completely cut people out of our lives but if someone's words and actions are detrimental to our sense of self worth we need to significantly reduce the time we spend with them. Stop watching certain shows or going certain places. It's hard at first but remember, we are re-wiring out brains and overtime the sacrifices we make will be appreciated as we begin to see ourselves as worth it!

I challenge you to put these suggestions to the test. Give an honest effort for at least 6 months and see if you notice any change in yourself, the way you think and feel. I bet you won't be the only one who notices the change, I bet those around you will see it too!

"If you have a positive attitude and constantly strive to give your best effort, eventually you will overcome your immediate problems and find that you are ready for greater challenges" ~ Pat Riley

Know Your Worth: Know the Signs

Source: Dreamstime.com

The first step in creating positive self-worth is acknowledging that you have a low sense of self worth. For some the signs are obvious and dots are easy to connect, other signs don't point directly to self worth but they are still a burden to bear. Let's highlight some direct and indirect signs of low self worth.

Thinking Negatively About Self

• Every single one of us has faults, myself included, but we also have strengths as well. A healthy and well balanced person is aware of their strengths as well as their weaknesses and is always looking towards growth and forward progress. A person with low self worth is constantly criticizing themselves. In their eyes the negatives grossly outweigh the positives. They are their own worst critic. Instead of working to overcome their faults, they choose to swim in a pool of self pity and doubt. They are stuck in a mindset that they are no good and trapped in a pattern of self destruction.

In-congruence of Self

• What does this mean? Basically that the "you" that is presented to others doesn't match the true "you." This can be seen in character traits. For example, someone may present in public as rough, tough, and unbreakable but their true self is soft, caring, and emotional. The in-congruence can also be evident in the decisions that we make. For example, someone who always gives in to what others wants from them, even in times when it is appropriate for them to put themselves first. A person with low self worth is not confident in who they truly are so they become someone else in order to feel more confident, they become the person they feel is worthy when in actuality who they are is good enough.

Relationship Woes

• How many of use find ourselves in same relationship over and over again. I don't mean with the same person; what I'm referring to is we constantly find ourselves in the same situation constantly wondering how we got here...AGAIN! It's true that we attract what we project. If we feel low about ourselves, if we have a negative self worth, we will project that and others will pick up on it whether consciously or unconsciously. Oftentimes people with low self worth attract people who lack confidence and use the one with low self worth to validate themselves. This only adds to the negative cycle that strips you of your worthiness. If you find yourself constantly in bad relationships; it's possible that regardless of your experience, All Men and All Women are not    (Fill in the blank here)   . It is possible that it is time to stop looking outward an looking inside in order to create a different experience. 

Stuck in an Undesired Situation

• When you can recognize that you're at a place you don't want to be but never take any steps to move out of that place, it is possible that you have a low sense of self worth. Those with a low sense of self worth do not believe that they are deserving of the best that life has for them. They are content with settling for less that what they are worthy of. They become comfortable with what is mediocre instead of striving for what is excellent. They begin to unknowingly self-sabotage so that they can remain where they are. This may be a dead-end job, an unhealthy relationship, or just a failure to experience the best that life has to offer.

These are just a few indicators that point to a low sense of self worth. There are definitely others that can be added and of course, experiencing any one of these is not a direct indicator that one has a poor self worth. Signs point you in a direction but it is up to you to follow the signs to understand the end destination.

I hope this has been as helpful for you as it has been for me. Trust me when I say I have learned so much just through typing this and I am so exited to continue bringing you content on this topic.

Let Me Know: What are some other signs that we can add to this list? How do you personally determine if you or someone you know is struggling with poor self worth?

Coming Up: The Challenge!

"Your perspective in life comes from the cage you were held hostage in"~ Shannon L. Adler

When the Diagnosis is the Problem

One of my wonderful Facebook friends shared this simple yet thought provoking video about giving children psychiatric diagnoses. I started to re-post the video with a very looooong caption but then I remembered, that's why I have this outlet. For those that don't know, the letters on the t-shirts of the children in this video represent mental health diagnoses. The diagnoses are given based on symptoms that the child exhibits over a certain amount of time. More information about these diagnoses can be found through researching the DSM, which is the manual containing all mental health diagnoses for children and adults.
I'm sad to say that far too often in my line of work I am witness to the issue displayed in this video. On a daily basis I work with children and teenagers who have been labeled with diagnoses that follow them throughout the rest of their lives. From my perspective I feel that the quickness with which the diagnosis is given doesn't match the lifetime stigma that some carry. I believe that at times diagnoses get thrown out to appease complaining parents who are looking for a quick fix for troublesome behavior. Other times diagnoses are given because of faulty systems. In some cases the only way that a child can receive the supportive services that they need, is for them to be given a diagnoses. This is only followed by a medication prescription that may be unnecessary or too extreme. But the issue can be even deeper that this.
This issue with the diagnosis being the problem is also reflective of how we take advantage of certain groups of people. For example, earlier I shared that some parents are looking for a quick fix for their children's behaviors. If these parents lack a solid mental health education they can agree to and accept a diagnosis that is more of a hindrance than a help. Some low income families can not afford the high cost of outside mental health services and as I stated earlier in some cases the right mental health diagnosis can guarantee these services. If we look at gender, at times males and females can present with the same behaviors; but the males are more likely to be seen as "the problem" and given a diagnosis. Race also plays a role. I have seen white and black children with similar behaviors, both given a diagnosis, but a different diagnosis. One more favorable than the other. For example, our society has come to accept the ADD* and ADHD* diagnoses. I see a greater number of professionals who are more willing to deal with these diagnoses than diagnoses such as ODD* and Conduct Disorder (CD). Consequently I see white youths being diagnosed with ADHD and ADD and black youths diagnosed as ODD and Conduct Disorder. I also see more youths who are involved with law enforcement being labeled ODD or CD early on. This confirms what we see in  our reality; males from low income, Black families being repeat offenders in our criminal system.
In spite of what may seem like a negative trend, there is hope! We as a society have to take back the labels that we are stigmatizing our children with. We are all unique and how we act and behave are signs of our uniqueness. We have to highlight and encourage the positives in the behaviors that are often deemed negative. For example, I had a professor when I was in grad school who had a son who had been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). The name itself is negative, suggesting that one diagnosed with this disorder has a "deficit." Instead of ascribing to this description my professor labeled his son as having Attention in Different Directions (ADD). The description can have a negative connotation but it can also be used to direct the child in a positive direction though embracing the behaviors instead of stigmatizing them. As most parents can attest to there is no easy way to raising children. Sometimes these diagnoses can be a quick fix but fail to accurately address the true issues. Some of the symptoms that accompany the diagnoses can be treated holistically or behaviorally. But these methods take time, consistency, and attention while they can eliminate the debilitating label that accompanies a diagnoseis.
I have to end by saying that all psychiatrists, medications, and diagnoses are not bad nor do they have poor intentions. There are many who benefit through understanding behaviors through the context of a mental health diagnosis. There are some who have issues with chemicals in the brain which medication can help treat. The issue is that overuse can sometimes make a good thing ineffective. When too many children are diagnosed then the diagnosis doesn't hold much weight. Everyone looks at the children through the lens of their diagnosis instead of for who they are in addition to the behaviors that warrant a diagnoses. 

These are jut my thoughts on children and mental health diagnoses. What are your thoughts? How do you see it? Agree or Disagree I would like to know! Thanks for stopping by and come back in two weeks for the next post.

"One must have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star"~Friedrich Nietzsche

*ADHD= Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

*ADD=Attention Deficit Disorder

*ODD= Oppositional Defiant Disorder

We Are All Human: Lessons From Steve Harvey's Mistake

Source: CNN.com

If you're like me the Miss Universe Pageant came and went without you even batting an eye. I rarely get on social media but I just happened to get on the day after the pageant and then I realized I must have missed something. There were posts all over the place discussing Steve Harvey's incredible mistake. If you don't know by now, he mixed up the name of the winner of the pageant, causing the wrong country to be named the winner. When he recognized his mistake minutes later, he came back out, acknowledged his wrong, and the correct country was named the winner. Now I will admit this was a significant mistake and if I was a Colombian (the wrongly named Miss Universe) I would be heated; but where I stand amazed is how everyone else responded to it. People reacted like Steve Harvey made the worst mistake in life, or like he did it in such a horrifying way. I believe there is a lesson to be learned from this whole situation.

We live in a society where perfection is the expectation when the reality is that we are all human. Now don't get me wrong, I think that we should all strive to be perfect in everything we do, no matter what the outcome, but we have to know that the probability of us batting 100 each and every time is slim to none. It's not about not making a mistake but instead the lessons learned from the mistake and how we use the lessons to make ourselves better for the future. Let's break down how Steve Harvey handled his blunder.

1. He acknowledged his mistake
Reports state that the moment Steve Harvey recognized that he made a mistake he was honest about it. He could've easily let the competition proceed like nothing happened but he made his human error known. When you make a mistake, own up to it. Trying to hide it doesn't work, what's done in the dark eventually comes to the light. The first step in correcting a mistake is acknowledging what happened.
2. He took the steps to correct his mistake
As soon as Steve Harvey confirmed his mistake he walked back out onto the stage and let everyone know what happened, and he announced the correct winner. Sometimes when we make a mistake we have the option to leave the mess for someone else to clean up, we can let someone else bear the brunt of the embarrassment and shame. That is taking the low road. No matter how hard it is, or how much time it takes, when we make a mistake we have to put the work in to make it right.
3. He took responsibility for his role in the mistake
Steve Harvey was not hesitant to highlight what he did wrong. He could've blamed the organization for how they printed the card, he could've blamed his nerves, or a number of other things. Instead he made it clear that the fault was on him. Just like it's easy to place the burden of the "clean up" on someone else, it's incredibly easy to place the responsibility elsewhere as well. But, when we do this, the mistake is never truly corrected, the spotlight turns to the wrong source, and the true issue is never addressed. As hard as it may seem, owning up to our wrongs is essential in correcting any mistake.
4.He apologized
I'm sorry is only seven letters long but when it is heartfelt and honest it bears the weight of the world. Steve Harvey is a celebrity with a great deal of fame and notoriety. In this role it is easy to walk away from a situation like this without a care in the world, knowing that another situation will come. In spite of this Steve Harvey still made it a priority to make his apology heard. Whether people are looking for it or not, when we are wrong we have to apologize. This is the closure that is needed to end the process of correcting the mistake, whether it is accepted or not. Without doing this, all of the previous steps are null and void.   

As a result of going through this process, Steve Harvey was offered a multi-year deal hosting the Miss Universe Pageant. I would like to think that the organization saw him as a human, fully capable of making mistakes, and that instead of penalizing him for it they honored his ability to do what most of us cannot, make the wrong right. There have been countless memes aimed at humiliating Steve Harvey and highlighting his mistake. I think that instead of making him the clown we should make him the hero. Human enough to make an error and human enough to acknowledge, correct, own, and apologize for his mistake.

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new"~ Albert Einstein 

   

2016 Goals: Make A Vision Board

A vision board is a visual representation of your goals in a collage form. It's something you can look at every day to remind you of the things that you are working towards. It is also something that you can look back on at the end of the year and measure your progress. Or you can look back at unachieved goals and identify barriers, road blocks, or changes that left those goals unfulfilled. What I love best about vision boards is that they are unique and creative and no two look the same even if two people have similar goals. I am a creative person, I love doing artsy-type projects. The more glitter, ribbon, and flair the better! But even if you are not creative or "flashy" you can still make a vision board that reflects your goals. 

Making A Vision Board

1. Gather Your Supplies

The first things you're going to want to do is get together the things you need for your vision board. It can be as much or as little as you want. But here are some basics:

• Poster Board
• Scissors
• Magazines
• Glue/Tape
• Markers

If you want to take it up a step here are some other things you can use

• Ribbon
• Tool
• Stickers
• Glitter
• Stick on letters
• Decorative Tape
• Hot Glue Gun

And I'm sure there are even more you can think of.  

2. Identify Your Goals

You can go through your magazines and haphazardly become inspired by the pictures but I think it's better to have an idea of what direction you want to go in before you start looking. The idea can be as general or specific as you want. For example you can say "I want to be healthier" or "I want to lose 15 pounds." Once you have an idea of the goal(s) you want to display on your vision board you can move on to the next step.
3. Look for Pictures
Now that you know the direction you're going in you can start to look for pictures that represent those goals. Notice I said represent. The pictures you select don't have to literally and word for word match your goals; what is most important is the meaning that they have to you. For example, on my vision board above there is a picture of a beautiful natural haired woman that I pulled from an ad for hair products (that picture actually got cut off of the picture above-sorry). To me that picture doesn't represent me wearing my hair natural, it represents me being comfortable in who God made me to be, naturally. Every picture is subject to interpretation but it's your vision board and all that matters is that you know what each image means to you.
4. Putting It All Together
This is the fun part! Taking all of your pictures and all of your supplies and creating your masterpiece. It can be a simple or as intricate as you want it to be. You can randomly stick the pictures on or you can plan out your layout. In my vision board I broke my goals into four specific categories and grouped my pictures in those categories. FUN FACT: One of my goals was to create a blog! 
5. Display It
This may be the most important step of them all. Once your vision board is completed you want to hang it up somewhere where you can see it every day. I think the best place to hang it is in your bedroom so that when you wake up you can look at it. If you do morning devotion you may want to put it in the space where you do that or you may want to put it by your mirror so that you can look at it while you get ready to start your day. Over time the images will be burned into your brain so that even when you aren't looking at your vision board you will be reflecting on your goals.

Make it fun!!!
Have a vision board party. Invite your girlfriends over and have the supplies laying out, play some music, and get to work. Or incorporate making a vision board into your end of the year holiday family festivities. Newlyweds can make a vision board to identify goals for their new life together. Families can also create a collaborative vision board for the household. Creating vision boards is a great activity for groups of teens and can be very helpful for new businesses. There are also websites that can help you create digital vision boards. 

I am a strong believer in the power of visualization. Having something you can look at every day is a big motivator to help you achieve your goals. AND once you've looked at your board for a while you don't even have to see it to remember your goals. Case and Point: When I moved it was hard to get my vision board to stick to my walls but I had looked at it so much I didn't even need to see the actual product to know what was on it. 

Are you planning on doing a vision board for 2016? How do maintain the goals set on January 1st  throughout the year? Leave a comment and let me know and Happy New Year to everyone.

"Write the vision, and make it plain on tablets, that he who reads it may run. For the vision is yet for an appointed time; but it speaks of the end, and does not lie. If it delays, wait for it; it surely will come , it will not delay" Habakkuk 2:2-3  (MEV)   

Family Matters: Remember The Time

Family Matters posts address all things family, the good, the bad, and the ugly. All topics related to families and how families interact will be labeled "Family Matters."




Jingling bells, caroling, lights, and cheer. Just a few things that characterize this holiday season. Or how about these? Waiting for hours in the check out line, fighting to get the "last one," or being ungrateful because the gift under the tree doesn't match the one that was asked for. Just a few more things that have come to define this holiday season.

We currently live in the day and age of the "right now." We want what we want when we want it and we want it now. The young generation feels entitled, deserving of everything they want; and even worse many parents feel obligated to meet this incredulous demand. We live in a day and age where we value things over each other. We spend 10 seconds gathering with our family to take a picture and the next 10 hours posting that picture, looking at everyone else's pictures, and leaving comments. We want the biggest, the best, and the newest and when we get it we isolate ourselves from others so that we can "enjoy it." 

It breaks my heart to see what the "holiday season" has come to. I became a family therapist because I am passionate about families. I get energized from seeing families happy, healthy, and whole; but in this season we are more isolated, separated, and divided than ever. Instead of sharing in the joy of the season and enjoying each other's company; we take for granted the blessing that is right there in the house with us. Some of my best childhood memories are from the holiday season. I have two very hardworking parents and when we were younger my dad worked a lot. During Christmas Time my dad always took his vacation from work, while us kids were off from school and my mom was a teacher so she was always on break with us. Christmas time always bought out the best in our family. Time off has us more relaxed, less hectic schedules gave us the opportunity to spend more time together. There were more laughs and jokes and less stress and hostility. The older I got the more I realized that in order to truly enjoy Christmas it's important to stop focusing on the gifts and Remember the time.

Remember that time will come and time will go so it's important to make the best of it. We never know what tomorrow will bring so it's important to value what we have while it's here. Remember the people, the people who are important in our lives, the people who we can't live without. Remember to set aside quality time with these people to build and strengthen the relationships and create long lasting memories. Remember that each season the newest electronic "thing" comes out claiming to be better than the one before and soon the "hottest thing" is long forgotten. But those long lasting memories that I just talked about will live on and on. They can even outlive us if we treat them right! This holiday season let's put the phones to the side, set the tablets down, put up the gaming systems and let's make an effort to connect with our family. Whether it's blood family, friends, or our community we all need to Remember the gift of this Time that we have and use it to value and uplift the relationships we have.

"What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family"~Mother Theresa

Happy Holidays! From my family to yours; peace and blessings!

Know Your Worth~ Getting Started

Source: Sprite.com

This popular lyric from the rapper Drake has been stuck in my head for a while. Always popping in at the most random times. Not because the beat is catchy but because I often need to remind myself to "Know My Worth," or I see people stuck in situations where the don't "Know Their Worth," OR I see some of out most praised celebrities acting in ways that clearly signal a lack of self worth. What I was going to do was have an entire series focused on "Know Your Worth," but as I type this intro I think I am having a change of heart. Instead of doing back to back posts, there will be some posts that I do that fall under the heading "Know Your Worth." I believe we live in a day and age where it is easy to lose sight of our worth. We constantly hold up a measuring stick comparing ourselves to others and when we fall short our sense of self worth drops too. The media and pop culture provides us with an image of what life is supposed to look like when in reality the average person cannot attain that lifestyle. Some of us have people in our lives who's comments and "suggestions" are more hurtful than helpful and make us feel worse about ourselves that we should. And finally, some of us are our own worst enemies. We beat ourselves down and critique ourselves to the point where we can't see the good that others see in us. Regardless of why; when we don't "Know Our Worth," we act in ways the rob the world of the chance to see the unique greatness that lies in each and every one of us. We accept WAY less than we deserve and act in ways that cause people to see us as something we are not.  I hope that every "Know Your Worth" post is encouraging, motivating, and empowering and challenges any messages that tell us we are not worth it. 


Let Me Know: What do you think are the top contributors to a lack of self worth? Got any examples? 

Coming Up Next: "Know the Signs" What behaviors indicate a low sense of self worth?

As always feel free to comment you experience, ask your questions, and share with friends. I really want to know what YOU think. Thanks for stopping by!

"Self worth comes from one thing- Thinking that you are worthy"~Wayne Dyer

Weight loss...It's More Than Just The Lbs. Pt 4: Know Your History

Source: http://www.vanderbilt.edu/

As a family therapist one of our most used tools is a genogram. A genogram is basically a family tree and it's one of my favorite tools. Why? Because a genogram doesn't just show who's in the family but patterns throughout generations such as abuse, drug use, financial struggles, parenting choices and anything else you can think of. Oftentimes families don't realize these patterns, how far they go back, and how much of an impact the past has on the present. Understanding the past is also an important step in the weight loss process. 
Consider a family that uses food to console each other. Each time someone is sad, disappointed, angry, or stressed a plate of comfort food is shoved in their face? Or how about a family where an extra ten dollars at the end of the week means a an extra tasty treat from the grocery store? What about families that have a reoccurring pattern of laziness, those that make every excuse in the book about why they can't walk around the block, lift a weight, or hop on the treadmill to better themselves. These are unhealthy and debilitating patterns that seem simple on the surface but take a closer look and you'll see how deeply ingrained they are and what a tremendous barrier they are in preventing us from achieving the growth and change we want to see. We have to recognize, understand, and change these patterns before we see any physical change. Now, I'm about to take it  step further but stay with me.

Let's go deep
I want to consider an even deeper generational pattern that can have a hold on us as it relates to this issue. As a black woman I'm going to speak on the black experience but any race can benefit from this perspective. 
Slavery has had a tremendous impact on the black experience, especially how we eat. During slavery, black slaves were given whatever was left after their masters ate the best of the best. Some of the food was spoiled or it was the parts that no one else wanted...like pig intestines (But I digress). This was all we had so we learned to survive on it. Learned how to season it up really well, oftentimes with seasonings that are detrimental to our health but necessary to preserve the food. These eating habits were passed from generation to generation and have come to be a defining cultural norm. Now I'm not suggesting that we all give up our soul food for good, but we have to take into consideration a loyalty to food at the expense of our health and well being. We are worth more than high blood pressure, cardiac arrest, heart attacks, and clogged arteries; which are issues that black people out rank other races in. We as a people have to do better.
So here is another perspective. As a result of slavery and Jim Crow Blacks were taught that we are inferior and that there were certain privileges that are set aside for Whites. As a result we now have white privilege where we as black people accept that whites are more deserving of certain things than we are. But in this day and age, instead of acknowledging this privilege we accept it and use it as a way to look down on others.  When I'm in a group of other black people and we see healthy food or a unique way of working out the comment is always "That's for white people," or "That's a white thing." Because the pattern of thinking that has been passed from generation to generation is that good health and taking care of ourselves are reserved for the privileged in our community, the Whites. This is a deeply rooted issue and we need to understand it's impact on us before were can truly take care of our bodies.

I had to go there for a moment, I had to go deep, because this is a deep issue, it's more than just about the Lbs. When we get a basic understanding of our root issue we can begin to make changes that will be visible on the surface. So here is some homework for you, yes I said homework. Look at your own family tree, try to identify food, eating, and health patterns in the generations. Look at diseases and illnesses, talk to your family and understand the patterns so you can be aware of what you're up against.

So, we have made it to the final installment of this series on weight loss. I hope that this series has been beneficial to you and than you keep coming back for the other topics I'll post on. Please share a comment or question on this specific post and if there are any topics you would like to hear me address or questions that you want my perspective on please visit the Q&A page. 

... no human being is master of his fate, and ... we are all motivated far more than we care to admit by characteristics inherited from our ancestors which individual experiences of childhood can modify, repress, or enhance, but cannot erase-Agnes E. Meyer

Weight Loss...It's More Than Just The Lbs Pt 3. Look In The Mirror

Last time we talked about our emotions, how we feel, and deal with how we feel. Now it's time to focus on our mind and how we think about ourselves. Our thoughts have a tremendous impact on our behaviors, what we believe dictates our actions. If, in our minds, we think we can't; if we think this is how we'll be forever, then that sets the ceiling for what we can do. So, before we can attack the weight on our bodies we have to attack the thoughts in our minds.

Source: Overstock.com

Do You Love Yourself?

For some people this is one of those "dumb questions" that they act like they didn't hear; but for many this is a real and true issue and the core of their struggle with their weight. I personally don't understand how someone can say they love themselves and turn around and do things that are self-destructive. To me it's almost like saying "My life is worth living" and then committing suicide. When you start to love yourself you start to cut out things in your life that are harmful to you. This includes people, places, things, and bad habits. You start to recognize that you are more that worth it and more than deserving of the best that life has to offer you. You stop settling for anything that is less than that. When you decide that you are worth it you can strive toward your goal no matter what obstacles come your way. As you start on your weight loss journey there are going to be people who want to see you fail, who are just waiting for you to slip up. They send negativity your way to try and knock you off of your path but if you love yourself and are determined to better yourself, you will be so grounded that their negativity won't be able to rock you. There are going to be times when you mess up or you don't see the results when you expect to see them. If you have accepted yourself just the way you are set-backs and slow change won't deter you because you will realize that it's not just about the lbs, it's about being the best you that you can be and that isn't simply about how you look on the outside. At the end of the day your self-improvement has to radiate from the inside out and as you change the way you think about yourself on the inside you will see changes on the outside. It may not be the exact change you expected but when you are grounded in who you are you will be satisfied with what you see. 

Personal Moment: I always knew I was supposed to love myself, but I didn't. I hated everything about myself physically and in other areas as well. I blamed God for who I was. Then, I got some really good advice. Someone told me to wake up every day, look at myself in the mirror, and tell myself I'm beautiful. I took this advice a step further and stripped away everything I used to make myself beautiful: clothes, hair, make-up, everything and I looked at myself, naked, no make-up, hair undone...flaws and all. I challenged myself to love myself and be okay with myself just the way I was. If I never lost a pound, if my hair never was all done up, if for some reason I could never wear make up again, I had to come to terms that I would still be okay. It wasn't until I mastered this that I could begin to change.

You have to love yourself , you have to know that your are worth it. In order to get to this place you have to identify what it is that you don't like about yourself and understand why you reject those parts of you. Once you overcome this the sky is the limit for you. In my weight loss journey one of my biggest obstacles was working out. Not because I couldn't do it, I just didn't want people to see me sweaty and out of breath. Can you believe this ridiculousness???  I wanted to lose weight, I knew I needed to exercise, sweating and heavy breathing are a byproduct of exercise but I didn't want to sweat or breathe heavy. It was because I was so insecure and worried about how others would perceive me. Once I started to love myself, I came to the conclusion that I was worth too much to myself to be unhealthy just because I didn't want people to see me sweat. I decided that I was going to work out as hard as possible, even if people had to see me drenched in sweat. And even if people talked about me or judged me, I was ok because it was all for me and not for them. Their opinions held no weight in comparison to my decisions. And, as you can imagine those super sweaty workouts resulted in some serious weight loss. Do not allow your insecurities to hold you back, challenge yourself, push yourself, and you will achieve greatness.

I hope that you are enjoying the series this far, please come back for the next and final installment!

Have you struggled with loving yourself, are you currently struggling with this issue? Have any questions, comments, or concerns? Leave it all below, I would love to hear from you.

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You have to love yourself to get anything done in this world" Lucille Ball

Weight Loss...It's More Than Just The Lbs Pt 2-Emotional Weight

Sometimes our emotional, psychological, and mental issues can show up as physical symptoms. For example, stress can show up as headaches or body pain, nervousness can show up as nausea or stomach pain. In the same way our struggles with weight loss can be connected to an emotional issue that hasn't been addressed yet. In this case we need to release our emotional demons before we can expect to see any physical change.

                              Picture Source: http://robedirobrob.deviantart.com/                                         
So what do I mean by emotional demons? Some people have experienced traumatic situations in their life that they have never processed or work through. Abuse, loss, grief, hurts, these are just some examples of trauma. When we experience trauma our brain literally changes forever. Our view of the world is warped and our interactions with others are shifted. Oftentimes we can't see the shift or connect it to our traumatic experiences. For some, additional weight or overeating can be a protective measure that unconsciously prevents us from experiencing the trauma again. Before we can seriously tackle the weight we have to identify and work through experiences of trauma.
 Others deal with past and present relationship wounds that have never been healed. Some examples of relationship wounds are betrayal by a loved one, being abandoned by a parent, and consistently being let down or disappointed. When we experience hurt in a relationship but do not give ourselves the freedom to validate that hurt we can hold a grudge. Holding on to grudges can be like holding on to weight. Until we are able to forgive and release a person's hold on our lives we will never be able to release the lbs. 
Still, others of us walk around weighed down by emotional baggage. Every single day each and every one of up have a variety of experiences that can take us through a variety of emotions both good and bad. We NEED an outlet for these feelings and emotions. We need to be emotionally supported and to know that someone cares for our emotional well being. When we don't have access to such outlets we can become overwhelmed.There are too many of us who do not have a healthy and safe way to let out our feelings and emotions. As a result these feelings become a sack of burdens that become heavier and heavier as time goes on, just like we become heavier and heavier as we pack on the lbs. The defining moment could be trusting someone to help us carry the burden. This is not an easy task, I know first hand. It's almost like a work out in and of itself. But the more we practice, the more we work on it, the easier it becomes. Just like physical exercise and weight loss. But before we can work out our bodies we need to work out our emotions. 

If you read the previous post you got a decent introduction to my weight loss struggle. (If you haven't read it, take a moment to check it out!) You saw that my emotional transformation began during grad school. I believe I dealt with all of the issues listed above. It was NOT an easy process. But I can be a witness that the emotional process that occurred behind the scenes was the foundation that created the physical transformation that everyone has been able to see. 

I hope that you will stay tuned for the next part of the series which will focus on how we view ourselves and the real reason we desire to lose weight.

What do you think about "emotional weight?" Is it something you deal with? Questions, comments, concerns....drop it below or use the Q&A link.

"I don't want to be at the mercy of my own emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them" Oscar Wilde

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Weight Loss...It's More Than Just the LBS Part 1

As we enter the fall season I know some people are thinking back to resolutions made on January 1st and wondering "What Happened?" Somehow the determination and motivation that was present at the beginning of the year has been watered down to a mere memory. The truth of the matter is that weight loss is more than just a resolution, more than about fitting into a pair of jeans or a swimsuit, more than about looking good at your next reunion. What most people miss is that weight loss is not just about the physical but it is a mental and psychological struggle. Today, I want to be vulnerable and share my own weight loss journey in hopes bring clarity to something that is more than just a trivial matter.

I started gaining weight when I hit puberty. Of course I noticed first, but I just waived it off. I became more self-conscious when others started to notice and make comments about it. I remember someone pulling me off to the side and saying "I see you're putting on some weight," as if that were a good thing. As my weight rose so did my desire to do something about it. I desperately wanted to change myself. But no matter how many sit-ups I did in secret or how hard I tried not to eat; the weight stayed.
Throughout middle school and high school, it was there, and I was extremely conscious of it. I didn't want people to watch me eat, I was always concerned about how I looked in my clothes, and I was always comparing my body to others. But even worse, my self confidence was draining and I had such a poor self-image that I consciously avoided looking at myself in the mirror. 
When it was finally time for me to go off to college the weight was still there. But it was at this point that I came to terms with the fact that I was a big girl. I accepted that this is how I would be for the rest of my life and I began to search for the positives of being a "heavier girl." I started to stop avoiding looking at myself in the mirror in an attempt to force myself to accept the beauty that lie within. I still wished I could be skinny but I stopped blaming myself for who I was. When I graduated from college I came home to more of the same; the inability to lost weight, the acceptance that my size would never change and desperately trying to convince myself that it was okay even though deep down I knew that this was not who I was supposed to be.
In 2011 I began my Master's program at Drexel University.To date, that program has been the most grueling experience of my life. I cannot remember putting so much time, energy, and effort into anything else. Not only was the program academically rigorous, it was also emotionally draining. We were required to be emotionally vulnerable with strangers! I uncovered some hurts that I tried to keep buried and came face to face with truths and realities that I spent years ignoring and burying. I finished the first year of my graduate program emotionally lighter but still physically weighed down; but, releasing that emotional weight was what ultimately allowed me to lose the physical weight which resulted in what some people have called a "dramatic weight loss." As you can see in my picture I lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time, 80lbs more or less in approximately one year.

Weight loss can be one of the most difficult things to accomplish. So many people struggle for years without seeing the results they want because they fail to realize that it's more than about the lbs. This series will address some of the other areas in our lives that we need to attack before we ever lose a pound or an inch. Granted, this may not apply to everyone, but those who have been working, trying, and failing to see results should consider that what lies beneath the surface can sometimes be our greatest adversary and the hardest parts of ourselves to look at and accept are those that have the greatest impact on who we are AND how we look.

I hope you continue reading in this series....questions, comments, concerns? Leave it all below and I'll be sure to get back to you!

"It's not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves" Sir Edmund Hillary













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New Year New Me

"New Year, New Me"

Okay,Okay, I can sense the collective groan that everyone has after reading the title. Weeks before the new year hits everyone flocks to social media to inform everyone of their plans to make a complete 360 (really 180 but I digress) once the clock strikes 12:00AM.  But, by January 2nd everyone has lost the motivation and the phrase "New Year, New Me" has lost all of it's value. So how do we reclaim the phrase or the idea that we are completely capable of making the long lasting changes that we want in life? By doing what we set out to do in the first place. I know, I know, it's easier said than done. But as someone who has failed miserably AND succeeded wonderfully at making life changes allow me to share two tips for achieving the goals that we set for ourselves.

Remember, it doesn't matter when you start or how many times you fall off track, you're striving for completion not perfection. One of the things that bothers me the most about how people set goals is their decision to set a start date i.e. "The beginning of next month" or "In the New Year." Setting our start dates in this way limits us and allows us to push our goals back more and more. Once the next month hits we push it back another month. Reality: the minute you decide you want to make a change in your life you are capable of beginning that journey. If you're goal is to loose 20 pounds you can sit down that day and figure out  your plan of action. If you want to save money you can look at your spending and determine where you can start cutting back, immediately. We often set these far away start dates and then...well you know what they say "Out of sight out of mind." Whether you have the vision for change in on February 12th, December 28th, or January 17th, don't limit your self to the "New Year," get started ASAP. And be aware that you will not be perfect, things will not always go the way you planned. BUT, remember that no matter how many times you mess up you are always capable of getting started again. And if you happen to take a detour, you don't have to wait until the first of the month (or year) to get going again. Just like you don't have to push back your start date you don't have to push back your re-start date either.

  "Never put off for tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well"~ Mark Twain

Keep in mind that true strength doesn't come in one's ability to stand alone but instead in the acceptance of our flaws and our courage to reach out for support in the areas where we fall short. As I type these thoughts of mine I recognize that this is such a huge pill to swallow. I myself struggle with being vulnerable enough to admit that I am incapable of doing EVERYTHING myself. Instead of accepting a helping hand I would rather flail about and fail on my own. If this is my experience I'm sure that this is many other's experience as well. Reality: we all need help! As we set these goals for ourselves we have to seek out networks of support that can encourage us, hold us accountable, and achieve goals with us. Now identifying these supports is a daunting task. We all have those people in our lives who look like our cheerleaders but are only out opponents in disguise. Those who cheer us on while secretly concocting a plan to knock us down. Then there are those who are all for starting the journey with us and then at some point we look around and realize they have disappeared. Or what about when we finally decide that we want to achieve a goal and we get so excited about our new journey but no one else is on board. I get it, finding a good support system is tough. But there are ways to weed out those undesirables before they leave us standing alone. There is nothing wrong with "interviewing" your supports to make sure they're in it for the long haul and just as excited for your success as you are. And, with the help of the internet, social networks, and phone apps, we can seek out interest and support groups who are working towards the same things we are. Also, remember that just as we need support to reach our goals, there are others who are looking for support to reach theirs. Sometimes if we can be that support to others we will unintentionally find the support we need. At the end of the day, if achieving our goals is that important to us we will take the time to make sure we have  a team that can help us get to the finish line. 

"I am because we are"~ Africa Proverb

I hope that these two tips are beneficial as you enter the New Year with new goals and hopes for yourself. What has been helpful for you in reaching your goals in the past? What are some of your goals for 2015? Thank you for taking the time to stop by, questions, comments, all of the above...share it below. If this was helpful share it with a friend and I'll see you in the next post.